


How to be IN the World and OF the World

by JagoOrgana



Series: How Many Lives [2]
Category: Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen, Sabrina (1954), The 100 (TV)
Genre: CEO Lexa (The 100), Childhood Friends, Clexa Endgame, Drama & Romance, Endgame Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Eventual Smut, F/F, Falling In Love, Fate & Destiny, Fine Stud Lexa, Happy Ending, Minor Character Death, Painter Clarke (The 100), Pride and Prejudice References, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Sorry about Finn, Soulmates, True Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 06:40:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13852176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JagoOrgana/pseuds/JagoOrgana
Summary: A tragic accident threatens to tear the Woods family and their company apart from the inside out. Clarke, the daughter of the Woods family chauffeur, returns from studying abroad and rekindles a flame she never knew was lit.This story follows the basic premise of Sabrina (1954) with a few Pride & Prejudice references to warm the cockles of your heart.





	1. Chapter 1

Jake Griffin was a middle aged mechanic in the early 90’s with a one year old daughter in a playpen behind his workshop desk. A tall, burly businessman pulled in and asked if Jake could take a look at his 1952 Cadillac. Jake’s shop was failing and his wife had recently passed, but you’d never tell by the smile on his face. 

  
The two men fell into casual conversation which then morphed into sharing a couple of beers; they discussed cars, politics, science - you name it. Gustus talked about being a single, gay father and Jake confided in him about his wife’s death - you name it. After talking and digging around for a couple of hours Jake finally announced, “It looks to be the alternator, sir.”

 

The stranger sighed before standing, “I thought as much.”

 

“Based on the interior and what’s under the hood, you have worked very hard to keep this beauty authentic. I don’t have a replacement lying around but I can call around some of the junkyards and install it for free.”

 

The businessman paused and let his eyes dance around the shop. They finally landed upon the embroidered name of the mechanics jumpsuit. “Jake?” The shaggy blonde mechanic nodded. “Jake, every mechanic shop I have ever been to has had at least one or two other cars in the shop at a time - even when they weren’t doing well...”

 

Jake’s ears turned red with embarrassment.

 

“I mean nothing by that, Jake. Just an observation.”

 

“Uh - yeah. Well, things haven’t been going so great but they’ll be looking up soon - I’m sure,” he offered a weak smile.

 

“You specialize in vintage cars?” 

 

“Yes, sir. I mean - I didn’t go to any formal school but my father was always working on cars. I  guess you could say I apprenticed under him,” said Jake with a distant smile.

 

The businessman’s eyes rested on the young, gurgling baby standing in the playpen. A fond smile crept across his face, “I have a girl and a boy myself. My youngest looks to be just about her age. Do you have any traffic tickets or felonies, Mr. Griffin?”

 

“Excuse me?” Jake’s eyebrows furrowed with confusion. 

 

The stranger’s grin faded to something that was somewhere between serious and jolly, “I am offering you a job, Mr. Griffin. My name is Gustus Woods, I own a few very successful businesses and I am in need of someone to drive me to and from work engagements as well as take care of my vintage collection of cars. Behind the counter you have several manuals for vehicles predating the 60’s so I am assuming you were telling the truth when you said you specialized in vintage cars. Also, you have a letter in that stack of mail from a collections agency. I know because I own it.”

 

Jake eyes went wide, “Sir… I -”

 

Gus held up his hands. “It’s pure coincidence. I just came here to get my car fixed. Look - Jake - you seem like a good man who has been dealt an unfair hand. I can easily offer you a more substantial and certainly more reliable salary. Take the job, get back on your feet... Take some time to think about it.”

 

Jake was absolutely flabbergasted. It seemed too sweet of a deal. Jake took a week to mull it over. He thought there had to be a catch but he also knew his back was in a corner. His business was causing him to go bankrupt and he is a depressed, single father taking care of his four year old daughter, Clarke. Even if this “Gustus Woods” fellow worked for the mafia or did shady business, he was clearly rich so Jake felt like it was his only option. 

 

Luckily, Gustus did not work for the mafia and in fact, over the next fourteen years, the two men became best friends. Gustus offered to let Jake and Clarke live in the mansion but Jake was too proud. He chose the beautiful apartment over the ten-car garage, which Gustus called ‘ _ quaint _ ’. “It’s quaint compared to your mansion, Gus, but it’s perfect for me and Clarke.” Jake also insisted on paying back his debts to Gustus’ company, which Gustus just donated to local school programs and scholarships.

 

When Clarke and Gustus’ two young children, Finn and Lexa, were old enough, they spent hours playing together. They especially loved to play Star Wars in the tall green grass or in the dense forest at the back of the mansion’s property. Lexa insisted on always being Darth Vader. “His character has the most depth and he redeems himself in the end… sort of...” Lexa would proudly insist. Finn, of course, was Han Solo and demanded that Clarke always be Princess Leia. Clarke conceded despite how much she really wanted to be the jedi, Luke Skywalker.

 

Jake could not afford to send Clarke to the same private school as Lexa and Finn. She went to a slightly more inexpensive private school but Jake quickly unenrolled her; Clarke was either bullied for having ‘rich friends’ or the other kids used her to get close to the Woods’ kids. Going to the local public school allowed her to have somewhat of a normal experience. But alas, Clarke still missed Lexa and Finn terribly during the school year.

 

Everything changed on March 23rd, 2005. Gustus was out on a date for the first time in years. His kids had urged him to get out and meet someone so he would stop working so much and settle down. Gustus was one of the greatest fathers but even he recognized that he needed to spend more time at home with his kids. 

 

Jake offered to drive Gustus but the burly man insisted that it would be strange to have his best friend driving him and his date around all night. Jake laughed but eventually conceded, fully understanding his friend’s point. “Take the night off, my friend. Relax! You work too hard anyways. Who is your boss? I should talk to him!!!” Those cheeky words were the last he shared with his family.

 

Things got even worse for the Woods children. Gustus’ brother, Titus, was appointed interim CEO of the Wood’s family estate and the primary guardian of Lexa and Finn. He was always a frigid man but seemingly never cruel - had Gustus known of his brother’s true nature, he never would have allowed him to take over his company, especially his children’s lives 

 

Lexa was immediately sent to an elite boarding school in France while Finn went to Polis Academy. Polis wasn’t far away but, with Titus’ ambitions solely focused on Lexa’s potential, Finn quickly became wrapped up in the high society that infinite amounts of money and no responsibility provided. Rather than sticking around after high school or even going to college, he went on long vacations to beaches with beautiful women. Finn remained an idle playboy, the black sheep of the Woods family, but ever the charmer. If you were angry at or jealous of Finn Woods, you didn’t stay that way for long - at least until the next tabloid fiasco.    
  
Lexa was the complete opposite of her brother. She was always the more responsible and calculated Wood’s sibling, even as a child, but she was nevertheless very sweet and very thoughtful. However, the ice water that now ran through her veins was a result of her strict and authoritative uncle. He told her the future of the company and her recently deceased father’s reputation rested solely on her shoulders. Titus told her she needed to begin her ‘training’ to become worthy of her father’s business. These were impressionable words for a fifteen-year-old - Titus placed the world on her shoulders. 

 

Titus said ‘ _ fuck it’  _ to all of Lexa’s dreams, her life no longer belonged to her; this immense pressure that Lexa felt was the beginning of a resentful tug-o-war relationship between herself and Finn. While Finn continued to blow fortunes on women and parties, Lexa finished college in two years and went on to complete her J.D. in business law.   
  


Jake continued to work for Titus. Despite how rude that bald-fucker was. Jake wanted to stay near the family. He felt it would be a betrayal to his best friend to just walk away when he knew the kids and the company were in jeopardy. When Lexa was old enough to take over and shed herself of that leach, he would be there to encourage her the way her father would have if he were still alive.

  
At 23, Clarke had been accepted to several very elite medical schools. She received a full ride to most of them. After graduation, Clarke realized that painting was her real passion and nothing else would satisfy her. She came home for the summer after graduation with her tail between her legs because her father took so much pride in his daughter becoming a surgeon - “ _ to have a better life _ .”   
  
She spent the entire summer after college graduation at home and got a job working at a coffee shop downtown. “This is only temporary!” she assured her father of the lie, “At least until I can decide which college to go to!”  _ At least until I can decide to choose my head over my heart. _

 

In the meantime, she helped her father tinker with the cars in the garage and spent her off hours reading books and painting. She also spent a good majority of her time people watching from the large tree that bordered the mansions property. The Woods were famous for the large and extravagant parties and Clarke loved to watch them… and to mock them.

 

One particular night, Clarke climbed the low-limbed tree and sat on one of the long curved branches with her favorite book,  _ Pride & Prejudice _ . Her eyes left the pages ever so often to admire the beautiful dresses and the adoring smiles of the beautiful women in them. Clarke would never admit it but her pride was just jealousy with a mask. Her jealousy was never malicious but rather, she was jealous of the opportunity for adventure that came with easy money. If she had her way, she would fly far away, study painting, and spend her days roaming the streets of Paris. Sure, Clarke could easily be on the fast track to becoming one of the finest surgeons in the area but she knew if she went down that road, she’d hardly have time to paint again and she’d never go to Paris.

 

She blinked herself out of her daydreams just in time to watch Finn stop dancing with a pretty blonde. He whispered into the woman’s ear with the slimiest smile spread across his face. From her perch, Clarke sarcastically mocked aloud what she imagined the young Woods boy could be saying, “ _ Oh baby, you’re so HOT. Follow me to my indoor pool where we can get naked, take a cool dip, and you can suck my cock _ .” Clarke finished with a dramatic and flourished eye roll before returning to the creased pages of her book. 

 

“I mean… we haven’t seen each other in ages but if you’re offering…”

 

Clarke shrieked at the sudden voice standing somewhere beneath her. Her eyes became twice the size of saucers when she noticed several party attendees look up to locate the source of the shrill exclamation. She leaned over and ungracefully lept from the tree as quickly as possible. This caused her to stumble on her bare feet, dropping her book in the soft soil. 

 

The mysterious figure dropped a cigarette to the cobblestone path and pressed it to the pavement with their shoe before leaning over to grab Clarke’s book. The figure dusted the soil from its spine and offered it back to Clarke with the hint of a smile, “Been a few. Hasn’t it, Clarke?”

 

The blonde didn't notice the book being offered. She didn't notice the musk of the cigarette still in the air. She didn't notice her own mouth was hanging open. She didn't notice how much older and grown up Lexa’s voice sounded. She didn’t notice Lexa’s beautiful, cascading brown hair pulled over her left shoulder. And she certainly didn’t notice the quiet pain and vacancy sitting behind those incredibly green eyes…

 

Maybe she noticed a little.


	2. Chapter 2

Thoughts, let alone actual words, were not coming easily to Clarke. She was completely taken with the beautiful and stoic woman standing before her. Clarke couldn’t remember the last time she spoke to Lexa but it had to have been before the brunette left to go to boarding school in Europe. They were hanging out and talking about what high school was going to be like and then she was gone. Finn hung out with Clarke a little and told her that Lexa was sent away but once high school started, he disappeared too.   
  
The brunette looked so different to Clarke though. She looked so beautiful but she also looked hardened… lost… empty. She didn’t have the same playfulness that she had in childhood.  
  
Oh my God, Clarke! Why are you just staring at her???!!! SAY SOMETHING, STUPID!  
  
“You left for school…I mean - Wh-what are you doing here?”   
  
Great job, Griff, you fucking weirdo.   
  
“Well, sometimes I live here. Sometimes I even call them family,” Lexa responded with a bitter tone and the hint of a smirk. Lexa reached into the inner pocket of her jacket and pulled out another cigarette. The fire from the lighter illuminated Lexa’s face. Clarke was able to fully see the softness of Lexa’s caramel skin. “Want one?” Lexa offered.  
  
Clarke could only nod.   
  
“I thought you were going to be a surgeon. Isn’t smoking a faux pas for doctors?”  
  
“I don’t… think I’m going to be… a surgeon,” Clarke admitted out loud for the first time to anyone else. She was surprised how easily she felt like she could trust her former childhood best friend. The brunette put the offered cigarette in her mouth, lit it, and handed it to Clarke before responding. Yet again, Clarke caught herself staring a little too hard. She quickly shifted her eyes to the offered cigarette. It was too late, however, Lexa noticed and it brought a slight blush to her cheeks.  
  
Clarke was only a social smoker in college. When she would be out at the bar with friends who smoked, she would always steal a cigarette or two but she just never got hooked on it. But damn did Lexa look so cool and sexy doing it.  
  
Ew. Clarke. She was your CHILDHOOD friend. Stop being a perv.   
  
“Have you told your dad?”  
  
“Huh?” Clarke had completely forgotten what they had been discussing.   
  
Lexa smiled sweetly, “Your dad… have you told him you don’t want to go to med school?”  
  
“Oh, right. Um. Not exactly.”  
  
A long pause settled between the two girls as they traded glances with the bright full moon.  
  
“You should.” Lexa suddenly became very serious, “He loves you, you know. He only wants your happiness.”  
  
A comical huff bellowed from Clarke’s chest before she tilted her head and took another puff from the cigarette. She lifted her chin slightly and shifted her lips to the side before slowly releasing the smoke. “I don’t think any father would be happy to know their child wants to go to art school in Paris instead of medical school…” Clarke couldn’t help the bitter chuckle.  
  
Lexa’s eyes assessed Clarke’s body… body LANGUAGE.. Not her body *ahem* OK. Maybe a little of both.

Lexa gulped.  
  
The conversation lulled and they continued to awkwardly meet each other’s eyes ever so often. Lexa seemed so different to Clarke but to Lexa, Clarke was exactly the same. The same blue eyed, sunshine for hair, playful and endlessly caring girl. Sure, they hadn’t spoken in ages but Lexa was taking over her father’s company - she knew everything about everyone - but at an arm's length. Lexa could never allow emotional entanglements to keep her from her duty.  
  
Lexa’s eyes turned vacant, “You should do it - art school. Don’t let anyone hold you back from getting what you most desire.” Lexa’s deep green eyes shot up and pierced straight through Clarke. The blonde hoped the gasp that escaped from behind her lips wasn’t audible but there was something … there… in that moment. There was something intense and heavy in the air between them. “I - I don’t know if I can…” Clarke had to look away.   
  
Lexa nodded in understanding while she put her cigarette out on the ground. She slowly bent down to pick up the discarded filter all the while avoiding Clarke’s gaze. When she finally spoke, it was through gritted teeth, “If you continue to choose other people’s happiness over your own it’ll soon be too late - you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. Take it from me, a life of pain isn’t worth the opinion of a disapproving father - dead or not.” And then the brunette was gone.   
  
Clarke was intensely rolling Lexa’s words around in her head and maybe thinking a little bit about Lexa’s situation and what she could possibly have meant. Clarke was stuck in a trance and only awoken from the sting of her cigarette burning her fingers. She hissed in pain and dropped it to the ground. Clarke took a moment to settle back into reality and eventually picked up the filter just as Lexa had done. She imagined like Lexa, she too didn’t want any of the other staff who worked on the Wood’s estate to be berated by Titus. Also, saving the earth one cigarette butt at a time is never a bad thing.  
  
Clarke found her way to bed but didn’t sleep easily. She knew she was going to have to tell her father at some point. She didn’t have the money to go to Paris but maybe she could take some classes at Polis University part-time. Clarke desperately wanted to be happy but she also wanted her father to feel proud of her - she also wanted to know why Lexa seemed so… tormented.  
  
\--------- Next Morning  
Clarke was off work the next day and her father just returned from driving Titus to the downtown office. When he pulled up, he made a beeline for the garage and immediately began tinkering with the engine of one of Gus’ old cars. Clarke couldn’t shake the feeling that he was avoiding her. Around noon, she made herself and Jake a sandwich and walked it down to the garage, “Come on, Dad. Take a break. I - I wanna talk to you about something.”   
  
Did I just hear a shrug?  
  
Eventually, he walked around the car and wiped his hands off on a rag. He took a seat across from Clarke on the patio furniture and instantly noticed his daughter wasn’t making eye contact with him and she was fidgeting with the hem on her shorts. After a fatherly shrug, he spoke, “I know you don’t want to go to med school, Clarke.”  
  
The blonde’s eyes grew wide. “Dad, I’m -”  
  
“No.” He put his hands up to interrupt her, “No, it’s OK, Clarke. It was my dream and I’m sorry if you felt pressured,” Clarke hated how his head was hanging low like he was disappointed in her. “You’ve been skulking around the house ever since you’ve been back - it wasn’t hard to put two and two together.” He reached out and took her hand, “I only ever wanted you to be happy and happiness for me is financial security and a good education, but that is not your happiness.”  
  
Clarke couldn’t help the tears prickling at her eyes, “I feel like I’m disappointing you…”  
  
Jake got to his knee beside Clarke’s seat and wrapped her into a hug, which caused the tears to burst from her eyes. “Baby - you could NEVER disappoint me.”   
  
After a few minutes of more tears, more hugs, and sniffles - “Well, what’s your plan, Clarke. Do you want to go to art school or do you want to be one of those vigilante street artists?”   
  
Clarke finally smiled, “I think I would like to take some classes.”  
  
“OH! THANK GOD!” Jake dramatically clutched his heart, prompting Clarke’s eyes to roll to the back of her head at his stereotypical dad-humor.  
  
“I can take some classes at the local university and start trying to self-advertise my work anywhere I can, I’m not really sure how it works…” Clarke trailed off and shoved nearly the whole sandwich into her mouth.  
  
“I think you should go to Paris…” her father mentioned coyly.   
  
Clarke’s laugh was infectious, “Right, Dad. While I’m there I will stop in at the Vatican, steal the papal tiara, and take my rightful place on the throne. Also, how do you know about Paris?”  
  
Jake stared intently at his sandwich, “I was picking some things up around the house…”  
  
“You went through my things,” she noted dryly.   
  
“You’ve hardly been able to make eye contact with me for the last week! I thought maybe you were on drugs!”  
  
“DRUGS!? REALLY!?” She knew her father was being facetious and dramatic. He was always relaxed when it came to smoking weed and drinking - as long as he was around and it was only a little, he would say.  
  
“I’m kidding!” Jake shrugged, “You weren’t talking to me, honey. We always talk. I got worried. I was putting laundry on your bed and the brochure was on the desk.”  
  
“Dad, I can’t,” Clarke started shaking her head. “It’s too expensive. Plus, I can take classes here!”  
  
“Clarke,” he looked his daughter dead in the eye. “I have saved every Christmas bonus Gustus had ever given me so that after you finished high school, you could go off and spread your wings. I want you to have everything you’ve ever wanted...” He smiled, cheek to cheek, just as he had for every tee-ball and soccer game, every graduation, certificate ceremony, and first day of school.  
  
Clarke didn’t know her father even got a Christmas bonus from Mr. Woods let alone kept them for her education. She would never be able to convey to her father how grateful she would be for the rest of her life. She immediately leapt from her chair and wrapped her arms around his neck, “I love you, Dad! I love you so much! Thank you! THANK YOU!”  
  
“Also,” he managed to get out while he was being strangled, “I need you to get famous and rich so you can put me in one of those really nice homes one day.”   
  
Clarke leaned back with the exact same furrowed brow she had as a pouting toddler. She slapped him on the shoulder indignantly, “You’re an ass, you know that?.” Jake began chuckling and she wrapped her arms around him once again.  
  
That was it… she was going to Paris!  
  
\-------- *7 Years Later  
Clarke graduated from Ecole des Beaux after five years with high marks. Upon graduating, she was asked to exhibit her work at a prestigious gallery, causing her quite a firestorm of notoriety. Clarke was being featured in magazines and asked to attend festivals and ritzy parties - she was even asked to paint a mural at Cannes Film Festival to commemorate women in film.   
  
It was at the festival that she met and became fast friends with Raven Reyes and Octavia Blake, two very attractive model/actresses, who were strangely down-to-earth and not at all what you’d expect. Octavia played drums and snowboards with her bodybuilder boyfriend and Raven tinkers. Clarke’s life absolutely transformed into something beyond extraordinary…  
  
...but it was time to come home…   
  
“What do you mean you are going back? Like, for good?!” Raven was aghast at the mere suggestion of Clarke ever leaving their shared Paris apartment .  
  
Clarke chuckled, “I mean - I don’t know… I LOVE Paris, don’t get me wrong but… it’s empty for me now that I don’t have a purpose. I’m successful but I am on my own. I miss my family. I miss that homey feeling.” She failed to mention that her eagerness to go home may or may not have been fueled by an invitation to attend one of the Woods’ extravagant estate parties. However, the invitation was delivered to her artistic moniker: Arkadia. She wondered if anyone even realized they were inviting the kid next door.   
  
“I get it,” Octavia added. “Sometimes I think about going home but then I remember I’m from the Midwest and I laugh. But, Polis is pretty cool - it’s like urban Chicago mixed with super rich yacht-people - yuppie paradise. WAIT! Ray, we should go with her!!!!” O shot up off the couch and gave a bright smile to Raven.  
  
Clarke’s eyes grew twice their normal size, “Uhhh…”  
  
“O! That’s a great idea! We could take a few weeks vacation and just like chill!”  
  
Clarke’s apprehensive expression, in no way, matched her friend’s excitement.  
  
“Clarkey! Come on! It would be fun!” Octavia was practically begging.  
  
“Um… I don’t know, guys.” Clarke’s mind was reeling. She quickly ran through a list of pros and cons in her head.   
  
“We can stay in a hotel, we won’t be a burden!” Raven pleaded. To add to the drama, she got on her knees and begged.  
  
“It’s not that I don’t want y’all there. It’s just…” both girls looked at Clarke expectantly. “Um… so I haven’t exactly told you where I grew up in Polis…”  
  
She spent nearly an hour talking about her childhood for the first time with her two best friends. If she thought about it, the reason she didn’t tell them was because she was originally so intimidated by their glamorous lives. Once she got to know them she realized she was being ridiculous but just never got around to telling them much about herself. There was never the right time to be like, “Hey guys, so let’s talk about my childhood…”   
  
Clarke told them about how close she was with the Woods kids and how it hurt to watch them leave her behind. She told them how much it hurt her and her father when Uncle Gustus died. She talked about how growing up in that environment made her treasure her childhood as an adult, but always made her feel like she never belonged with the ‘elites’. She told them about choosing art school over med school and how she finally made it to Paris.   
  
Raven lifted her chin, “You’re not telling us something… I can feel it.” Her eyes were slanted and quizzical.  
  
“Yeah! Something’s up. She’s holding something back,” Octavia nodded and scooted closer to Clarke.  
  
Clarke began to blush and couldn’t help the smile. At this point, there was no point in hiding anything from these two.   
  
“Well, I did run into Lexa once before coming to Paris...” Clarke admitted shyly and her friends immediately moved closer. Clarke laughed as she told them about her favorite reading spot and how she was being totally creepy by spying on the party. “So I was in the tree right and I was making fun of Finn and then out of NOWHERE comes this disembodied voice.”   
  
“Oh shit! You fell out of the tree, didn’t you!?” Octavia asked with a smile spread across her face.  
  
“She sure the fuck did!” added Raven.  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes, “Yes. Yes, I fell from the tree in front of THE Lexa Woods.” Everyone burst into laughter. Lexa had taken over control as CEO not long after Clarke left and her face was everywhere. Not because Lexa wanted it to be but because people were obsessed with her, her image, her company - her brand. So falling out of a tree in front of her is a lot funnier now than it was back then.

“Do you think we will get to meet her?” O beamed.  
  
Raven answered, “Bitch. You have a boyfriend!”   
  
Octavia rolled her eyes, “Yeah! But I can still look!”  
  
Clarke smiled but her mind was suddenly elsewhere, trapped in the memory of speaking with Lexa that last time.

“What’s with the face, Griffin?” Raven asked as she handed the blonde painter a fresh beer.  
  
“I don’t know. Lexa was so different when I talked to her. There was this sadness behind Lexa’s eyes like, they were SO green. One moment they were absent or… vacant... and the next they had this like - raw power behind them.”   
  
Raven and O shared a knowing look. As Clarke spoke, her eyes got stuck and she had to shake her head to return back to her body. She turned to look at both Raven and O, whose mouths were gaping along with their stares.   
  
Raven was, of course, the first to break the silence. “So…” she shifted her lower jaw around like she was thinking really hard, “You’re like totally in love with Lexa Woods… multibillion dollar, heir to the Woods thrown, hot-as-shit, Lexa Woods… Lexa Woods, like THE Le-…”  
  
“Oh please! I am not! She’s like… distant… sister to me!” Clarke rolled her eyes and stood up because she felt suffocated between her two friends.   
  
“Well, what better time to reconnect than at her family’s party?” Octavia offered a brilliant, shit-eating grin.  
  
Clarke paused in her pacing, “How did you know about the party?”  
  
Raven slowly reached her hand out and Octavia immediately slapped the offered low-five. “We are famous, Clarke. You think we are the only ones who get invited to fancy parties? Now we are definitely all going.”   
  
Clarke rolled her eyes - this was going to be a disaster.

She called her dad the next day and told him she was coming home and bringing some friends. He was ecstatic. He was beyond ecstatic. She never imagined her dad would be one to jump up and down with joy but she could hear him stomping and breathing heavy. She’d been right - it was time to go home.

Clarke didn’t know how long she would be gone for so she wrapped up all of her work and stowed most of it away. She had a few pieces along with her supplies sent to her dad’s house in case she stayed for longer. Once on the plane, her mind was left to catch up to her and she was left mulling over her feelings about going home and seeing Lexa again.   
\------------------  
  
“OH MY GOD! You are home!!! I’m so glad to see you!” Jake wrapped his daughter in the tightest hug.  
  
“Dad, I saw you six months ago…” she tried to say but was muffled by his giant body.   
  
Jake gripped her shoulders and held her out at arms length, “I know but it’s the first time you’re back HERE!! Everyone has been so excited!” Then he wrapped her in another tight hug.  
  
Once released, Clarke smiled kindly at her father, “I know. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I missed this place... OH! I’m being terribly rude. Dad, these are my friends… Raven, Octavia, this is my Dad - Jake.”  
  
“You can call me Dad… or Jake. Whichever…” He smiled brilliantly and hugged both girls. Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at how excited her father was to meet her friends.He had no idea just how famous the two were. He lived in a tiny garage bubble and he was perfectly happy there.  
  
“Uh, I’m sorry to break the pow-wow but… is that a 1947 Silver Wraith?” Raven pointed into the garage, trying to keep calm but inside she was SCREAMING.   
  
“It sure is! Wanna take a look!?” Jake’s eyes went wide with excitement that someone showed interest in the car he kept and cultivated for the Woods.  
  
Now Raven’s screaming was no longer on the inside but now, also, the outside. Clarke grabbed Octavia’s hand and drug her inside the little brick cottage, “Come on. They’ll be out here for hours. Let’s get settled.”  
  
The two girls unpacked and talked nonchalantly about what they might want to do while they are in town, where they want to eat and… “Where’s the best place to buy a dress for the party this weekend?” Octavia asked.   
  
Clarke froze, realizing that for a blissful second, she had forgotten all about the party. “There are several shops downtown we can go to tomorrow - we could make a day of it and get our nails done too, yeah?”  
  
Octavia grinned happily but was interrupted by her stomach rumbling. “You got any food around here, Griff?”  
  
The blonde laughed, “Gosh yes! I’m famished too. Let’s head downstairs and take a look at what my dad’s got around here.”   
  
They all cooked together and made an absolute mess. The girls insisted they would clean up but Jake figured they must be exhausted from the long flight. They went back upstairs and Clarke put on a movie while they each took turns showering all the airport grime off their bodies. The upper floor of the 10-car garage had been converted into an apartment so all of the rooms were enormous. Clarke’s room had a full size couch in it which allowed her to share her bed with Raven while O took the couch.   
  
The next morning…   
  
“I needed this,” mewed Octavia while a pedicurist massaged her feet and another attendant lathered her face in a thick clay mask that smelled like lemons and dirt.   
  
“God! You’re not kidding,” groaned Raven through her massage.  
  
Clarke didn’t respond. She was caught in her own head remembering being a child and overhearing the Wood’s fancy friends go on and on about their spa weekends. She remembered thinking how she would never set foot in a place like this. Yet, here she was.  
  
A faint smile spread on Clarke’s clay-masked face as she thought about how much her life had changed - how much she’d grown up - she had a lot to be grateful for but her father’s money was what really changed the course of her life.   
  
Clarke had sent multiple checks home trying to pay him back for sending her to art school but he always refused to cash them. Instead he told her that his payback was seeing his daughter happier and more successful than she ever dreamed possible.   
  
However, a strange discomfort had settled beneath Clarke’s skin in the last year or so. The spas, the vacations, and all the shopping was fun and exciting and of COURSE Clarke had immensely enjoyed her life in Paris - who wouldn’t!? - but she couldn’t shake that something was missing.   
  
When Clarke began having painters-block she knew something was seriously wrong. She had never had trouble painting before. Clarke started going to therapy which yielded few results other than her being told she’s a little too controlling - HAH!...probably true though...   
  
Finally, Clarke paid a visit to her art school mentor who flippantly suggested that Clarke had simply needed to find her “muse.” Clarke scoffed. “A muse!? How cliche’! That’s ridiculous!” The mentor only laughed before finally telling her to go back to her roots and figure out what made her paint in the first place.  
  
That sounded more like sage advice she could get behind - now she’s home indefinitely in search of her muse - err - her ‘reason for painting’. Clarke was happy to have Raven and Octavia with her but she’ll be even happier when she starts painting again.   
  
“So, Clarke, why don’t you want to go back to Paris after the party?” Raven asked nonchalantly as she hung the clothes from her suitcase in Clarke’s closet. Clarke looked up from her leftover to-go box that she and Octavia had been hovering over like starving neanderthals.   
  
“Oh, umm, uhh…” The three girls were closer than ever before but she hadn’t expected that she would tell anyone there was something ‘wrong’ but maybe she should open up about it. “Actually - I don’t know if Paris is good for me right now...”  
  
Octavia looked up and the piece of food she just put in her mouth fell back out into the styrofoam container. Clarke grimaced at the sight, “Stars - they’re just like us…” It earned an eye roll and a slap to her arm.   
  
“What the hell are you talking about, Clarke? Seriously. This place is great but it’s not PARIS…” Raven spun around as if she were dancing beneath the Eiffel Tower.   
  
“I know and you’re right. I will miss it tremendously but I haven’t made up my mind. Plus, I can always visit as often as I want!”  
  
“That’s true but why?” Octavia finally chimed in. She must’ve swallowed that food finally.  
  
“I - uhh - well…” Clarke cleared her throat, “For the last year I haven’t been able to paint anything new. I don’t know what’s wrong but I can feel that something is off. I can obviously paint like shit and stuff but I can’t paint-paint. Like, the passion is all gone. The work feels empty because I feel… empty. I went to a therapist and everything but he was totally useless and didn’t know what he was talking about - he should not even have a license.” Octavia looked at Clarke with tremendous concern and placed a supportive hand on her shoulder. “He told me I was controlling.”  
  
Octavia and Raven both rolled their eyes, “Fuck you, Clarke!”   
  
The blonde laughed but continued with her explanation, “Then I went to see my art school mentor. She suggested I needed to find a MUSE or like, to find out why I started painting in the first place. I decided where better to start than home, right?”  
  
Raven looked at Octavia and then back to Clarke. “Why didn’t you say anything to us, Clarkey?”  
  
Octavia moved closer to Clarke and place a comforting hand between her shoulders and started rubbing. “We are your friends, Clarke, and we want you to trust us. Ray and I could tell something was up. We agreed that we didn’t want you to be alone so we decided to invite ourselves home with you. But if you want us to go, we totally understand! We just wanted to make sure you were OK.”  
  
“Really?” Clarke felt tears in her eyes. “It was always hard for me to trust people, especially girls. Growing up, friends would ask to hang out at my place just so they could see the neighbors. In high school, when they realized that I wasn’t close with the Woods anymore, they stopped hanging out with me. I guess I’m just used to not being very good with people.”  
  
“I mean this in the most affectionate way possible, Clarkey, but we are adults. This isn’t high school anymore. We are your friends because we like you and we trust you. Here on out - honesty and thoughtfulness between the three of us, yeah?”   
  
Both Octavia and Clarke nodded at Raven’s suggested pact. However, an awkwardness grew in the silence between them. “Obviously none of us want to hug or have a kumbaya moment so let’s just not, say we did, and get some drinks!!” Clarke suggested.  
  
“Oh! Thank GOD!” Raven added before returning to her clothes. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I update often and will post two or three chapters within a few days. I will do my best to write the date of the post so you can easily tell if you've missed a chapter from the most recent update. 
> 
> 3/22/2018

The girls went out to a new bar that one of Raven’s friends had suggested they go to. There was a restaurant in the front but the back was a two-story club. The dance floor was large and it was packed full of people. Fortunately, Octavia and Raven’s notoriety allowed for them to be offered a free VIP table just off the dance floor.  
  
Clarke was used to having her picture taken when she was out with her friends. Despite O and Raven’s protests, Clarke maintains that most of her social media followers are simply because she is friends with them. This may have been true at first but Clarke refuses to recognize that her own notoriety has spread like wildfire - particularly due to her outspoken support of the #METOO movement since the festival and other events she’s been invited to attend.  
  
Raven and Octavia went to the dance floor while Clarke stayed behind to observe and sip on her drink. “Are you having a good time?”  
  
Clarke’s eyes immediately found the handsome young man leaning against the rope that surrounded their table. She observed his floppy hair, his dark maple eyes, and the slick black suit he was wearing. She cocked her head to the side and intensified the look she was giving him - she slowly pulled her drink away from her lips, crossed her legs and placed both her hands on her knee.  
  
He doesn’t recognize me!!! “Yes. I’m having a WONDERFUL time,” she offered with a shit-eating grin.  
  
His smile widened but he couldn’t help but squint at her, “Have we met before?”  
  
“Yes,” Clarke answered without hesitation.  
  
Finn chuckled, “Forgive me, but where do I know you from? Do you work at one of the companies?”  
  
“No, I’m afraid not.” God - do women actually fall for this shit?  
  
His smile matched hers but they were for very different reasons. “Have we both gone to a charity event?”  
  
“I have...” His eyes lit up. “But not with you.” This is too much fun!  
  
He laughed, “I swear I’ll get it eventually! I’m Finn… but you already know that.”  
  
“I do already know that…” Clarke smiled at the charming boy. Clarke’s eyes observed Finn and how much he had grown. He had a scruffy beard and, while his hair was still floppy, it was much shorter.  
  
He laughed, “Well, can I know what YOUR name is?”  
  
“You can call me… **Sam**.”  
  
“OK. SAM… may I buy you a drink, SAM?”  
  
Clarke mulled the idea around in her head for a moment. She knew her cover would be blown tomorrow night at the event but, why not have a little fun torturing her old friend. “Sure - and you can also buy my two friends drinks.” Clarke waved Octavia and Raven over. “Octavia and Raven, this is Finn Woods.” The girls smiled and both glanced at Clarke. “Finn is having a hard time placing how he knows me - I must look like a lot of his other blonde… friends…”  
  
“Oof!” Finn flinched at the teasing dig and dramatically clutched at his chest. “I fear my reputation may precede me in many more ways than one.”  
  
Raven and O shared a commingling internal eye-roll.  
  
Finn invited himself into their booth and insisted that they let him cover their drinks. They weren’t going to protest but this also put them in a precarious position to continue to talk to him. “It is a real pleasure to meet both of you,” he looked to Raven and Octavia, “I am a closet fan of your show!”  
  
Octavia responded flatly, “Why be so closeted about it, Mr. Woods? Don’t you think it is good?”  
  
He smiled with the corner of his mouth, “Of course, I would never deny that it is a fantastic show. I am only closeted about it because I am sure my friends would be disappointed to know I didn’t completely boycott the show after what happened in the third season.”  
  
Fuck, he’s smooth. All three girls eyes went a little wide. Perhaps they judged him a bit too soon.  
  
“Wow… its heart does beat,” Raven added wryly. Finn playfully glared at her but she continued to sip her drink and inspect the fingernails on her free hand.  
  
They continued to talk, banter, and even dance. He eventually gave up his pursuit of Clarke’s true identity and instead, elected to enjoy their company. All three girls could easily admit that Finn was charming - he was charming as fuck, in fact. One second he was saying something incredibly arrogant and nearly offensive but then slithered his way right out of the situation.  
  
Fortunately, all three women were aware of his ‘skill’ but Clarke would be lying if she said she wasn’t a little charmed by him. He certainly was attractive but Gustus and Jake practically raised them as siblings. Gustus passed away just before his two children’s formative years when they would need a father or mother figure the most. Instead, their only parent was taken from them and replaced with Titus who wasn’t the warmest person on the planet.  
  
Clarke always felt a little sorry for Finn. All of his mistakes and faults have been displayed across magazine covers and news shows. When you grow up with no one to invest in you or garner expectations for you, you become a product of the surrounding environment. Finn’s parents became money and egotism.  
  
After a long night of dancing and chatting, Clarke broke the spell, “Finn, I think the girls and I are ready to turn in and we must bid you a good evening.” He stood from his seat in surprise but offered his hand out to each girl to help them down the small steps.  
  
“Surely you can tell me your real name now that we’ve spent an evening getting to know one another?” Finn pleaded, eliciting an eye roll from both Raven and Octavia.  
  
Clarke pretended to think thoughtfully until offering a clipped, “Nope,” and a smile. He groaned. “Don’t fret Finny-boy, I’m sure we will be seeing each other again very soon.” With a final wink and a smile, she was gone.  
  
After a long cab ride home, Clarke collapsed on her bed, still fully dressed. “My feet are killing me. I don’t think there was one time in my entire childhood that I ever came home after midnight. And here I am, walking into my father’s home at 3 AM!”  
  
Raven and Octavia stopped at the foot of the bed, both with their arms folded and scowling down at Clarke. The blonde propped herself up on her elbows and looked into both of their eyes, “What?”  
  
“Why were you flirting with that arrogant boy-man?” Octavia didn’t beat around the bush.  
  
“What?!” Clarke busted out into laughter, “I was NOT flirting with him. It was just… some playful childhood banter.”  
  
The girls didn’t flinch.  
  
“What!? Maybe I was a little. I don’t know... Ew! He’s like a brother to me though.”  
  
“So does that mean Lexa is like your sister? Are you… into that, Clarke?” Raven questioned with a teasing eyebrow.  
  
“Ew, Ray!” Clarke chucked a pillow at the girls face. The girls shared a laugh but then began their nightly bedtime routines - which consisted of getting another drink, some snacks, and crawling into Clarke’s bed for a movie.  
  
They fell asleep in a mangle of spaghetti legs and faces in armpits. “GIRLS! I MADE BREAKFAST! I HAVE TO DRIVE MS. WOODS BUT COME GET IT BEFORE IT’S COLD!” Jake called from the bottom of the stairs. He knew they got in late and he also knew it would be torture to wake them up like that - which is why he did it. He smirked as he donned his driver’s cap and headed out the door. Clarke’s eyes popped open immediately, not at the booming sound of his father’s voice but at Lexa being outside by the car. She leaped from the bed, jolting Raven and Octavia awake, and ran to her window and peered down like an insane person.  
  
“What in the bullshit, Clarke?!” Octavia yelled.  
  
Clarke’s face was pressed against the glass of the window. She was breathing so heavily that it was causing it to fog-up. “She’s there! She’s outside!” Clarke whispered aggressively.  
  
Raven and Octavia bolted from the bed towards the window causing them to collide with each other as well as the wall. The loud ruckus of three, grown ass, adult women crashing into the window jolted Lexa away from her phone. She turned toward the window and scowled.  
  
“Good morning Ms. Woods - all set?” Jake’s voice caused Lexa to jump.

“Yes!” she cleared her throat, “Yes, all set. How was your evening?”  
  
“Long. Clarke’s home and she and her friends stayed out quite late last night,” he smiled despite the fact. Jake was just glad to see his daughter so much happier and to have her home.  
  
“I see.” Lexa’s response was clipped. As she turned, she gave one more glance toward the window before getting in the back of the car. Lexa had not known that Clarke was home - she knew everything that went on at her estate. “Fucking Anya!” she thought to herself. Lexa gritted her teeth and dug her fingers into the empty seat beside her.  
  
“Do you think she saw us?” Clarke asked with wide, panicked eyes.  
  
“Clarke dear, if she didn’t see us, she certainly heard us,” Raven winced. Her and Octavia slumped against the wall on either side of Clarke. “So that was her, huh? She doesn’t look as menacing as the magazines make her out to be.”  
  
Clarke stared intensely at the carpet in her room that she thought she could see the individual fibers.  
  
“She’s very attractive,” noted Octavia.  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“And she looks good in suits… and she has nice hair… and a beautiful…” Raven slapped O’s knee to get her to stop.  
  
“She didn’t seem to know you were back,” came Raven.  
  
“Nope.”  
  
“How do you feel about that?” asked Octavia.  
  
“I’m fine. It was just a college crush anyways.”  
  
Raven and O shared a look. “We’ve got some work to do before tonight,” Raven stood and offered both Clarke and O a hand up. “Let’s start with breakfast!”  
  
Once Clarke got a little food in her belly, she was able to shake herself from the shock of seeing Lexa for the first time in 7 years. She looked so professional and so guarded. Whenever Lexa’s name is spoken, Clarke feels lightening in her belly, but when Jake said his daughter’s name, Lexa simply looked detached and unaffected.  
  
“I cannot afford to be all elbows and knees tonight. I’m a professional for God’s sake! A renowned artist! I should be the one making everyone else shake in their shoes!” Clarke stood from her seat and slammed her hand on the kitchen table.  
  
“Damn right, blondie!” both O and Raven joined Clarke in her declaration. “We are going to make you so goddamned beautiful, everyone’s going to be soaking through their -”  
  
“Stop, Ray. Gross.” Clarke interrupted. “You think Finn will be weirded out when he realizes who I am?”  
  
“Ugh!” Raven and O stood up and walked away from her.  
  
“Wait! You guys!”  
  
The afternoon passed quickly and before Clarke knew it, Raven and O’s stylists were knocking on the front door. They had flown their team in and surprised Clarke by having them do her hair and makeup as well. Clarke’s dress was made of exquisite silver lace that looked as if it had been carved right onto her body. Her bangs were curled and hung around her face while the rest was pulled back in a loose bun.  
  
She was exquisite.  
  
“OK. It’s about that time, are you ready?” came Octavia.  
  
Clarke nodded a lot while she took a deep breath, “I’m ready.”  
  
They entered through the back gate while the party was already packed full of celebrities, successful architects, artists, doctors, donors, etc. You name a whose-who and they were there. Entering from the back allowed the girls to go unnoticed so they made a b-line for the bar.  
  
“May we have six tequila shots?”  
  
“Jesus, O!” Clarke exclaimed.  
  
“What? I think you are more relaxed when you have had a little tequila.”  
  
“No shit! It’s tequila! The last time I drank tequila with you I walked home without my underwear and only one shoe!”  
  
“Oh my gosh! That was a GREAT night! Plus, it won’t be that far of a walk since you live on the other side of that wall!” Octavia pointed toward their garage apartment.  
  
“CLARKE!?” All three girls spun around to find the source of the exclamation.  
  
“I see you finally figured it out,” the blonde noted smugly.  
  
“I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you! You have changed so much but not at all. I’m kicking myself right now,” he moved towards her to offer a hug. When he pulled away he continued, “You’ve got the same bouncy, golden locks you’ve always had and GOSH! I can’t believe I forgot those bright blue eyes! And this dress - holy cow, Clarke!”  
  
_I’m blushing. Why am I blushing!?_  
  
“Is she blushing?! Why is she blushing!?” O whispered to Raven.  
  
He finally managed to drag his attention away from raking over Clarke’s body, “Are you crashing the party, girls?”  
  
“We all have invitations,” noted Raven harshly.  
  
Clarke gave Raven a questioning glance at her rudeness, “Uh… yeah. I paint. I’m a painter. Well, I’m an artist. The moniker I paint under received an invitation and I figured it might be time to come home.”  
  
Finn smiled brightly, “Well, I’m glad you did. Would you like to dance with me so we can catch up?” He offered his hand to her.  
  
She glanced at her friends but if she had really taken the time to look at their faces, she would have noticed their alarming glares of “Don’t you dare go with him, Clarke!”  
  
She accepted his hand and he slowly led her to the center of the dance floor. His hand slipped over her hip and slowly slid to her lower back. She fitted him with a glare and moved his hand a little higher. “You may think you’re slick but you’re not. I’ve watched you from that very tree for years,” Clarke nodded towards the large sprawling oak tree beneath her far bedroom window.  
  
“You’re kidding!” He answered with disbelief.  
  
Clarke chuckled at the fond memories, “It’s true. I know all of your moves, Finnigan Woods!”  
  
He leaned his head back and let out a loud laugh, “Oh my GOD! No one has called me that in YEARS! Please, don’t start now!”  
  
Clarke’s smile was sunshine incarnate. You couldn’t look at her and not be immediately mesmerized and caught in her orbit. Any concern for being burned if you got too close was a fleeting thought and Finn was easily a victim. They danced for several more songs but eventually made their way back to the bar. “So what happened to us, Clarke? Why didn’t we stay friends?”  
  
She offered him a weak smile, “We changed, I guess. We all went our different ways… Lexa went to that fancy school, you went to Polis, and I…”  
  
“Was left behind?” he guiltily answered.  
  
“It was bound to happen at some point… we come from different worlds, you and I.”  
  
“Not anymore. You’re a famous artist! THE Arcadia!” He bellowed. “I know where that comes from - I remember,” he smiled wryly.  
  
Clarke blushed. When they were children, they created their own kingdom - Arkadia. Lexa was the evil commander and Clarke was the captured princess who could only be saved by the handsome prince charming, Finn.  
  
They shared childhood memories with one another but those memories grew into stories about what they have been doing since high school. Clarke talked about Paris, meeting her friends, and that every time she sells a painting she gets excited like it’s the very first one. Finn talked vaguely about work and all of his great ideas to help developing countries get access to fresh drinking water. He talked about how his old playboy attitude has plagued his humanitarian efforts. He talked about how difficult it has been to take over his share of the company from Lexa and how stubborn she’s been about implementing his ideas. He talked about how cold and unavailable Lexa has become since taking over the company. “I try to do what I can but she clearly doesn’t want me there so I’m working on my own ventures.”  
  
“Wow…” Clarke was stunned, “That’s very admirable of you and… I’m sorry, for what it’s worth, about your relationship with your sister. I just cannot even imagine…”  
  
“I know. You wouldn’t expect cruelty from her but pain and agony affect us in strange ways. I’ve suggested therapy over and over again but she just refuses and continues to push me away and become more and more of a recluse,” Finn fiddled with his hands looking dejected.  
  
Lexa was, as Finn suggested, working during the party. She had investors inside drinking expensive scotch, smoking expensive cigars, and talking about new business ventures. She was tirelessly trying to attain permits from South African diplomats while simultaneously signing off on a merger with a company that manufactures desalinating systems. Since taking over her company at a young age, Titus had been at her side trying to control the direction of the company. He loathed Lexa’s humanitarian efforts and often usurped her power as CEO by persuading the board to vote against her investments. However, if she played her cards right, this would be in the bag and she may finally shake herself free of his influence. But tonight she was on edge for more than one reason…  
  
**Earlier that day - - - -**

When she got to work earlier that day she immediately called her assistant, Anya, into her office. “What the FUCK were you thinking?” she demanded.  
  
“What exactly are you talking about?”  
  
“Do NOT play coy with me. You invited her. Why on earth would you do that?”  
  
“Invited WHO?!”  
  
“CLARKE!” Lexa slammed her fists on her office desk.  
  
Lexa intimidated everyone either with her extreme intelligence or by her authoritative and commanding countenance - or both. Though Anya became rigid, she was never afraid of Lexa. They met in college and absolutely hated each other. They were top 1 and 2 in every class they took until one professor put them on a team together. It was an absolute disaster until finally, they both agreed to ‘concede at the exact same time’. Obviously, they won first place at the symposium, but they also developed a strong bond of mutual respect and adoration for one another.  
  
Being Lexa’s assistant allowed Anya to have other ventures outside of the Woods Corporation. Lexa is unable to offer Anya the VP position until Titus can be ousted by the board of directors. When she announced that Anya was going to be her assistant and that everything had to go through her, Titus was infuriated and knew exactly why Lexa did it.  
  
“Lexa - you deserve more. This,” she motioned to the building surrounding them, “can’t be your entire existence. You constantly fight other people’s battles, you fight Titus for the ability to save everyone, you fight your brother to be more responsible and to take up his half of your father’s business - you deserve to have a better life.”  
  
Lexa’s eyes cinched closed and her hands tightened into fists, “How did you get her on the list without me noticing?”  
  
“I sent the invitation under her artistic alias - Arkadia or whatever.” Lexa’s heart constricted at the name. “Just talk to her Lexa. Maybe she feels whatever it is you felt all those years ago… maybe it is something worth-”  
  
Lexa cut her off with a loud shrug. “Don’t pull this shit again. Leave.” Anya rolled her eyes and turned to exit. Anya didn’t deserve to be dismissed so disdainfully but, if she is being honest, she did go behind her boss/best friend’s back and invite the one woman who could dismantle all of Lexa’s armor. The timing wasn’t exactly perfect with the merger but maybe Clarke felt something that might too…  
  
**Back to the party - - -**  
  
“Enough business Ms. Woods - this is a party! We can talk more on Monday morning!” said the large businessman.  
  
“Of course,” she offered an earnest smile and opened up the bay windows that led back to the lawn. She stepped out after the room emptied and adjusted her burgundy velvet suit jacket. The jacket had silk black lapels, her black tailored pants landed just above her ankles, and her chestnut hair billowed over one shoulder. She may be a ballbusting business woman but she was notorious for her unyielding style.  
  
She sipped the last of her whiskey and began the trek towards the popup bar just off the main dance floor. Unbeknownst to her, Clarke and her brother were still at the bar, completely enraptured by their own conversation. Lexa was stopped in her tracks by a hand on her elbow.  
  
“Excuse me, Lexa?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Hi…”  
  
Lexa continued to stare at the stranger.  
  
“Oh. Shit. I’m used to people knowing who I am. Wow. This is… humbling. Um - I’m Raven Reyes.”  
  
“Oh right, no, of course, I know who you are. I apologize - you just caught me off guard. How are you doing?” Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat. She’s been kicking herself all day for not recognizing Arcadia on the guest list and now she was kicking herself for not recognizing Raven Reyes. Lexa KNEW that Raven and Clarke were close friends because she’s been keeping an eye on Clarke ever since she left Polis. Of COURSE, they would both be here.  
  
“Hi, and I’m Octavia.”  
  
_Of fucking course, she’s here too!_  
  
“What can I do for you ladies?” Lexa offered a smile and no inkling of her discomfort. However, she couldn’t help but let her eyes casually roam over the party guests looking for brilliant golden hair.  
  
Raven’s eyes darted towards the bar but quickly responded, “Um - we just wanted to thank you for this… auspicious party.”  
  
Auspicious? What the fuck is going on?  
  
Lexa’s eyes followed Raven’s to the bar behind her while Octavia knocked Raven in the tit with the back of her hand. Everything faded around Lexa like she was looking through a telescope in slow motion. She heard a faint, “Ow! That hurt you bitch!” but couldn’t be sure.  
  
There was Clarke… sitting at the bar… in the most beautiful silver gown. Her eyes were bright open oceans and her lips were a deep wine red, almost like she dressed to match the brunette’s suit. Her skin looked so smooth like she’d been carved straight from alabaster.

 _Finn._  
  
_She’s with Finn._  
  
_Look at her smiling._  
  
_Her laugh..._  
  
_He’s… making her… laugh-_  
  
Lexa swallowed the thick stone in her throat and offered a weak smile, “Excuse me, ladies. Glad you could make it.” Lexa didn’t exactly run but if anyone in her way would have seen the brooding look on her face, they would have cleared out.  
  
“Fuck - that was the OPPOSITE of our plan,” said Octavia lamely.  
  
“No shit,” came a mysterious voice.  
  
Raven and Octavia both turned to find a beautiful woman standing beside them who was also starring at Clarke and Finn at the bar.  
  
“And you are…?” asked Octavia.  
  
“I’m Anya, Lexa’s assistant, and best friend,” she shook Octavia’s offered hand but waited for Raven to offer her own. “Is she OK?”  
  
“That’s Raven. Ignore her. You broke her.”  
  
Raven blinked several times - “Not - broken. Ahem. I’m - Ray - Raven.”  
  
Anya squinted at the latina, “Anyways - Does Clarke love Lexa?”  
  
“Excuse me?” answered Octavia because Raven was, in fact, still broken.  
  
“Lexa has been pining over Clarke for the last… well, forever. I invited the three of you here hoping that Lexa would have an opportunity to - I don’t know - knock her off her feet or talk to her at least. It looks like her brother swept in and got to her first,” Anya said with a noticeable amount of disdain.  
  
“Oh?! No shit! We just want to get the floppy-haired boy-man away from her. He’s awful. But Lexa loves Clarke? She said she used to have a crush on Lexa but shuts down any time it’s brought up,” blurted Raven.  
  
There was a long pause between the three women, Anya stared wide-eyed at Raven and Octavia just glared at her for her overshare. “Wow - it speaks…” Anya teased Raven.  
  
“First, we need to get Clarke away from Finn…” came Octavia.  
  
“Too late.” Raven pointed at the bar, “They’re gone.”  
  
Unbeknownst to them, Clarke had excused herself to the restroom and Finn got up to go find Lexa to excitedly tell her that Clarke was home. In reality, Clarke made a sharp turn and went back to her house. Jake was watching the game at the bar with some buddies and Clarke was too nervous to use the restrooms at the Woods residence for fear of running into Lexa.  
  
She made it through the gate and the front door. God. I really had to go! She took a moment to freshen up in the mirror before returning to the party. Through the gate, she saw Raven and Octavia looking for her.  
  
“What’s the rush?”  
  
“SHIT!” Clarke screamed so loudly and immediately clasped her hand to her face. Lexa may be frigid but not so much as to not find Clarke’s exclamation and embarrassment hilarious. “Lexa? You scared the living fuck out of me!” the blonde clutched at her heart.  
  
Lexa had been leaning against the old oak tree but stepped out of the shadow into the moonlight where Clarke could see her rare smile. “You’re back.”  
  
Clarke nodded, “I’m back.” Last time they were here in this exact spot, her heart pounded because she was nervous but this time, it’s from the sheer amount of contempt she has towards Lexa.  
  
“Why?” Lexa understood why her words were so harsh and clipped - she was jealous but she’d never acknowledged it.  
  
“Um… well, a lot of reasons. Too many, not enough, I guess… I was just talking with your brother! He’s all grown up now.”  
  
Lexa scoffed, “Some would argue.” Lexa reached into her pocket for a pack of cigarettes.  
  
_Fuck her and those cigarettes._  
  
Lexa lit two up and offered one to Clarke before she could ask for one. “No, thank you.”  
  
Lexa chuckled and tossed the declined cigarette to the ground, “What’s Finny Boy been up to these days? Don’t see him much around the office.” She blew a plume of smoke into the night sky.  
  
What is her problem!?  
  
“I’m sure. If someone stole my ideas and spoke about me with such disdain, I may not feel very welcome either.” Clarke crossed her arms and raised her brow in accusation.  
  
“Perhaps if he stepped up instead of childishly shirking all of the duty and responsibility for his life onto others, he wouldn’t be spoken about with such disdain.”  
  
“You left. He had no one to raise him after Gustus. And you just abandoned hi-”  
  
Lexa’s eyes widened and her nostrils flared. “You think I left by choice, Clarke?! You think any of this was my CHOICE!? I gave up everything to keep Dad’s company alive - to give Finn the life Dad wanted for us both and he just pisses it away!” The brunette didn’t step even an inch closer to, Clarke. In fact, Lexa stepped away from the blonde, almost like she was protecting Clarke from her rage.  
  
“Are you serious?! Finn wants to expand humanitarian efforts in Africa and that’s pissing it away?!” Clarke wasn’t afraid to get in Lexa’s face, “He’s tried countless times to get close to you and you’ve just dismissed him like a worthless dog!”  
  
Lexa refused to break eye contact with Clarke despite how close their faces had become. Clarke was nearly panting from expelling her deep-seated disappointment and hatred for who Lexa had become.  
  
Lexa slowly softened and allowed her eyes to roam across Clarke’s features. She had waited so long to be this close to Clarke and it was slipping away. Clarke’s blue eyes were a torrent of crystalline waves and her cheeks were pink like spring roses. With a broken whisper, “Is this your opinion of me?”  
  
Clarke was immediately dismantled by Lexa’s sudden change. “You may think you do but you don’t know me, Clarke,” Lexa shrugged, it wasn’t an accusation but simply a fact. “We may have grown up together but you don’t know anything about who I am.” She flicked her cigarette to the brick, ground it with her shoe, and picked up the two filters - just like last time.  
  
“Goodbye, Clarke,” and then she walked away - just like last time.  
  
Yet again, Clarke was left beneath the big oak tree. Never in her life had she ever felt so empty, so devoid of any particular feeling. She had nothing else to do but turn towards her home, undress, and crawl into the dark void of sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3/24/2018  
> updated 4/6/2018

Raven and Octavia eventually gave up looking for Clarke near midnight. Jake was softly snoring his recliner in front of the television. They quietly reached the top of the stairs and pushed open Clarke’s bedroom door. It was there that they found the blonde curled up around her pillow, quietly crying. Raven and Octavia climbed into bed and sandwiched her between their comforting bodies. There was a brief moment that Octavia had woken up and discovered that Clarke was no longer in bed. She tried to call out to Clarke, hoping the blonde was just in the restroom, but her eyelids were too heavy with exhaustion.

 

Clarke was not in the restroom. She was unable to sleep and decided to dress in a pair of jeans, a sweater, and a puffy vest - the warmest clothes she brought with her. She silently ventured out just before dawn, towards the woods at the back of the estate. It took a little while but she found the special place from her childhood - _Kingdom Arkadia_.

 

She sat on the coiled stump ‘throne’ and waited. She was about an hour too early for the sunrise so she filled her time with contemplation. Deep down, she trusted that she would find a way to paint again _(eventually)_ but her mind was currently plagued with much more disturbing thoughts - last night’s events.

 

_What the hell happened to me? Why am I so angry with her? Am I even angry with her?_

 

Asking herself these questions was like opening Pandora’s Box if such a thing existed and it was only filled with dark and twisty emotions…

 

_Do I even believe in love? Is Paris my forever home? Do I even like kids? Am I going to keep painting when I’m 60 or will I be careerless? What is the next step? Am I even happy? Should I join a gym? AM I EVEN A GOOD PERSON!?_

 

Clarke realized that, despite what she led herself and others to believe, she didn’t really know herself at all. She had always done what others expected of her, except for painting. Ray and O were undeniably her best friends but she even adopted their interests rather than cultivating her own.

 

_Besides painting, what do I like to do!? Do I like to travel!? Do I like rainy days or are they just too wet!? Do I like mountains more than I like the beach? Cats or dogs? Tea or coffee? Penis or vagina?! - uhhh - maybe I should save that one for another day…_

 

Clarke’s mind was spinning out of control but when she heard a twig suddenly snap behind her, everything froze. Her eyes fluttered open but she never turned to look at the figure standing several feet behind her.

 

“I - I couldn’t sleep. I saw you walking… so I…” Lexa cleared her throat before stepping forward and softly placing a wool blanket on the ground beside Clarke’s wooden throne.

 

Had it not been for the early morning songbirds in the forest, the unimaginably long silence would’ve passed between the two women without a single sound.

 

Lexa’s eyebrows knit together like she was in pain, “If I have ever wronged you, Clarke, please forgive me.” The brunette placed a letter on top of the warm blanket and silently left.

 

The sun peeked over the trees in the valley and Clarke’s blue eyes began to pool with unshed tears. After a few minutes or, perhaps, a few hours, Clarke picked up the letter and covered her chilled frame with the offered blanket. Her fingers slowly and reluctantly unfurled the handwritten letter…

 

**_Dear Clarke,_ **

**_My intention is not to renew the sentiments of disdain and disgust harbored against me but rather to advocate for the humanity you have been persuaded to believe I lack._ **

**_After my father died, I was told by my uncle, Titus, that my father wanted the company to be my sole responsibility - I was an innocent and foolish child to believe him. He sent me to an elite and aggressive boarding school in France. It was there that I met Costia._ **

**_We were together for nearly five years._ **

**_I woke one morning and she was gone. It was revealed to me later that Titus had offered her money and she took it. I also discovered that he had lied about my father’s wishes._ **

**_The shares of father’s company were to be split evenly between myself and Finn. If my brother didn’t claim his shares by his 25th birthday, they’d be given to Titus. Titus knew I would claim my own but he persuaded Finn to stay away from the company by offering him a substantial stipend. Finn chose this life, I did not choose it for him._ **

**_I have recently found evidence that Titus has been committing fraud and if I play my hand correctly, I can sue him for his shares and get him out of my father’s company. Those shares will be offered -deservedly- to Anya. It starts with the desalination machines in Africa, the humanitarian efforts that Finn claimed as his own._ **

**_Finally - it is my understanding that some call me the Commander or the Ice Queen. I am not ashamed of this. I have fought and survived sexism, sexual harassment, and homophobia daily, to get where I am today. It was never my choice to lose my father and ultimately my childhood in the same day, but if it means building on my father’s legacy, no one’s opinions of who I am will stand in my way._ **

 

Clarke could see the eraser marks on the thinning paper where Lexa had started and restarted the next line several times. There was a wet spot that caused some of the ink to bleed - Lexa had been crying. Clarke felt her throat constrict as her eyes reluctantly began the next line…

 

**_I have always loved you, my Skaiprisa, but maybe we aren’t always meant to meet again._ **

**_Ai gonplei ste odon,_ **

**_Lexa_ **

Behind Lexa’s letter was a torn page from a small book:

 **_There is a particular kind of suffering to be experienced_ **  
**_when you love something greater than yourself._**  
**_A tender sacrifice._**  
**_Like the pained silence felt in the lost song of a mermaid;_**  
**_or the bent and broken feet of a dancing ballerina._**  
**_It is in every considered step I am taking in the opposite direction of you._**

Clarke didn’t realize she had been crying until she finished the letter and choked on the sob that was trapped in her throat. “FUCK!” she wailed into the empty forest so hard that her shame felt like shards in her throat. She had immediately recognized Lexa’s final words as the language they created as children but something else about Lexa’s letter inflicted a wound upon Clarke that she was unable to describe. It felt like the universe’s path suddenly twisted, like inevitably had been broken.

 

She slowly made her way back home and found Jake waiting outside for her. “Have a seat, Clarke.” She could feel this was not going to be one of their normal father-daughter talks and could barely bring herself to make eye contact with him. “I’m so disappointed in you, Clarke,” he shrugged. “I expected so much more from you.”

 

Her eyebrows knit together in confusion. “I was home last night.” He fixed her with a deep stare, “I could hear you fighting with her.” Clarke finally looked up and Jake’s face looked so pained and conflicted.

 

Tears began to well up in her eyes, “Dad - I - I don’t deserve her forgiv-”

 

He cut her off, “YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT YOU DON’T!” Jake began to tear up himself. Clarke was mortified. She could count on one hand how many times her father had raised his voice at her. “That girl has loved you since you were children, Clarke. Gus and I used to imagine the two of you -” he swallowed thickly and bit his lip to stop his tears from falling. “They’ve had a tough life, Clarke, and you’ve taken their generosity and thrown it in her face.”

 

Fresh, hot tears streamed down the blonde’s face. Jake stood to grab Clarke by the shoulders and pulled her into a tight hug. “I will always love you but you need to get your shit together, baby girl,” he pleaded.

 

Clark eventually left her dad on the front patio and made her way upstairs to her friends who were packing their bags. Clarke plopped down on the bed and confided in them about what Finn had said to her and then reluctantly told them about the fight with Lexa.

 

Octavia strangely felt like she was sharing a secret but ultimately revealed that Lexa was in love with Clarke and that it was the reason why Anya had secretly invited them to last night’s event. “I know - she - she said it in the letter,” Clarke waved the paper that was still clenched in her hand.

  
It was Raven’s turn to chime in, “Don’t focus on that. Just because she has - err - probably HAD feelings for you…” Clarke wiped the tears that fell from when she rolled her eyes at the latina’s poor wording.

 

Octavia fixed Raven with a glare before adding, “What I’m sure she was trying to say was that you don’t owe Lexa those feelings in return… but I’m sure that information adds to the guilt you have for being so…”

 

“...cruel to her,” Clarke finished vacantly.

 

Clarke finally allowed them to read the letter from Lexa because she couldn’t bear to read it aloud.

 

A deep and uncomfortable silence settled in the room.

 

Raven spoke first, “So…”

 

“Uhhhhhmmm…” Octavia couldn’t meet Clarke’s eyes.

 

“....yeaaaaaaaaaaaah,” Raven shrugged.

 

Octavia finally looked up, “What does ‘gone play stay oh dawn’ or whatever, mean? _”_

 

Clarke was incredibly confused, “… _Ai gonplei ste odon…_ it means _My fight is over._ ”

 

Raven awkwardly bared her teeth while Octavia whispered, “Yikes.”  

 

Eventually, Clarke spoke again and related to her friends just how much she changed over the last several years. Octavia and Raven were good people, they never lost themselves in the fame and money like Clarke had. Raven suggested that Clarke go alone on an “Eat, Pray, Love/Find Yourself” trip. Clarke meant to immediately reject the absurd idea but - maybe it wasn’t so crazy.

 

“I hope you do it, Clarke. I hope you go find yourself but most of all, learn to forgive yourself.” With that last sentiment, Octavia and Raven both hugged Clarke goodbye and left for the airport. Clarke layed down on her bed and took a deep breath - it was time for her to put herself back together - not for her dad or for Lexa, but for herself.

 

**18 months later - - -**

 

“Kiddo!” Clarke dove into her father’s arms. God, she missed this feeling. They talked on the phone and Skyped as often as they could while she traveled but she was often in very remote locations. She sent thousands of pictures to him because, while she was away, she discovered a new hobby - photography. Clarke painted on anything she could find and if she couldn’t ship it to be sold at the gallery, she took pictures of it and sold those instead. She was overflowing with inspiration and it showed in her work. The pieces her gallery sold for her while she traveled funded and prolonged the entire year and a half trip.

 

She took time to study the religions and the cultures of the areas she visited. She became passionate about documenting their daily lives and wrote down the stories of hundreds of men, women, and children across the globe. An editor contacted her gallery in Paris and asked if she would be interested in doing a book of her travels which would feature the stories alongside her artwork.

 

She would never be able to thank her friends enough for encouraging her to take this trip. The first two months were brutal and she would be lying if she said she hadn’t purchased a ticket home once or twice. Clarke was immensely grateful that she didn’t go through with it and continued to travel - it was life-changing…

 

“You are so tan!” her father noted.

 

“I know, I know! I went back to Australia for a few more days before I came home. I couldn’t bear to not see it one more time!”

 

“I’m sure but I am so happy to have you home!”

 

“I wouldn’t miss your big birthday party for the world!” She wrapped her arms around his neck one more time.

 

Midway through her trip, Clarke bought a ticket for Jake to visit her in Malaysia. When he reluctantly asked Lexa for the time off, she didn’t hesitate to give it to him but there was still a longing in her eyes that Jake couldn’t ignore.

 

He intentionally didn’t mention that Clarke was returning home because he didn’t want to cause Lexa any further turmoil. Other than simple conversations about sports or the weather, Lexa didn’t talk much to Jake on the commutes to the office; not like she used to and he missed it terribly.

 

Jake’s heart ached for Lexa. After her father passed she was never a terribly happy person but since Clarke - she looked like someone who knew despair like it was an old friend.

 

“RAY!? O!?” Clarke dove from the not-yet-parked car and barreled into her best friends’ arms.

 

“Welcome back, darling! Jake called and said you were coming home for the party! We’ve been dying without you!” Raven hugged the blonde’s neck one more time.

 

Everyone’s faces were coated in happy tears but their smiles were interrupted by Clarke’s growling stomach, “I could seriously kill for a good ‘ole American burger, tons of fries, and a giant milkshake! Let’s go to Blimpy’s and catch up!” Clarke suggested.

 

“Oh. Fuck yes!” Octavia fist pumped into the air and began walking towards the car. “LINCOLN! BABE! WE ARE GOING TO GET BURGERS!”

 

Octavia’s husband popped up from behind the hood of one of the cars he, Jake, and Raven had been fooling around with before Jake left for the airport to pick up Clarke. Lincoln offered Clarke a goofy wave hello which she easily returned with a big grin. Clarke knew that he and Octavia had gotten married while she was away but any guilt for missing the wedding was removed when they told her no one was invited because they had eloped.

 

“I’m going to stick around here with Lincoln and have some beers. Y’all go on ahead,” Jake winked towards the girls.

 

“I’M DRIVING!” Raven bolted towards the driver’s seat of the 1965 Phantom Rolls Royce. While Clarke was away, Lexa had gifted her own father’s favorite car to Jake as a belated birthday present. Clarke was smart enough to put together that the car was now Jake’s because he didn’t flinch when Raven ran towards the car - which meant that she’s driven it before.

 

Clarke’s eyes flickered to Jake and saw him offer her an understanding and pained frown. She smiled quickly and ignored her constricting heart that was begging to be allowed to ache. The blonde blinked away any painful thoughts and climbed into the passenger’s seat. As they pulled out of the driveway she gave a quick glance toward the Wood’s estate.

 

What Clarke couldn’t see was Lexa standing at the window of her study, staring in disbelief at the blonde’s second unannounced and unwelcome return home.

 

*****  


“Did you know about this?” Lexa asked of the figure silently standing behind her.

 

“I did, yes,” answered Anya.

 

Lexa’s eyes shut while she took a deep, slow breath. She eventually turned to face Anya, “And you just forgot to tell me or were you trying to trick me - again?” She couldn’t help the poison in her voice.

 

“Firstly, she is Jake’s daughter so it is not my fault you were too obtuse to not realize she would be at his birthday party. Second, she is Raven’s best friend so obviously she would be invited to the wedding… which I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know about it yet…”

 

Lexa fixed Anya with a furious stare. “Oh my GOD! This is going to go **SO** well, An!” Lexa deadpanned. “Surprise Clarke! Your _best_ friend is getting married in five weeks and everyone intentionally didn’t tell you because we are chicken shits!” She sighed and jammed her fingers into her temples in an attempt to rub away the stress, “This is so humiliating. I cannot even begin to imagine how awful she’s going to feel...”

 

“Look - Ray didn't want Clarke to feel obligated to come home and ruin her trip. And because she never told Clarke we were even dating in the first place. If Clarke feels humiliated, it's her own fault," Anya noted flatly. There was no doubt that Anya loved Raven, she fell for her the moment they met at that party - but Anya had, had about enough of everyone walking on eggshells about Clarke. 

 

Lexa's brow furrowed further, "Why on earth hasn't Raven told her the two of you have even been DATING?! For well over a year, I might add!"

 

Anya groaned, "I don't know! She said something about not wanting to tell Clarke because she didn't want to remind her of what happened between you two. And something about dating the friend of her best friend's ex was against some code - blah blah - whatever. I don't care and you shouldn't either. She was awful to you!" 

 

“That’s not an excuse to lie to someone - especially her!”

 

“Don’t give me this _niron_ bullshit again, Lex!” Anya snapped, “She is not your soul mate or whatever. People who love each other don’t hurt each other like that.”

 

Lexa whispered under her breath and pinched the bridge of her nose, “I should never have told you about that dream.”

  
“The one you had as a child about being some commander with war paint on your face!? Or the one where Clarke owned that flower shop and drove over your girlfriend?!” Anya mocked.

 

Lexa slammed her fists on her desk, “SHOF OP ANYA!”

 

The language she taught Clarke and Finn as children came to her in a dream. Just a few words here and there. However, throughout Lexa’s life, she’s continued having these dreams but each is even more vivid than the last - so vivid that Lexa swore they were real. This meant that in moments like this, she kept accidentally reverting back to a language that she didn’t fully understand but felt so casual using.

 

“You may NEVER understand but that gives you no right to mock me. And yes, Clarke was awful to me but ONE, that is between me and her and TWO, she’s not a bad person. Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine everyone knowing everything about a moment when you weren’t at your best - even a sociopath would feel some level of embarrassment. Clarke’s not a sociopath so I’m sure she feels something…” Lexa looked back out the window, “I know I’m humiliated enough for the both of us and it looks like it’s only going to get worse.”

 

\----

 

“So what have you two been up to?! I had no idea y’all were flying in!” Clarke said while chewing on the most delicious burger she’s ever had in her life.

 

Octavia glanced at Raven to see how she was going to broach the subject. “Well - Clarke - our best friend in the whole wide world… We both like…um...”

 

A french fry was waiting to be stuffed in Clarke’s already full face, “Yeaaaaaaah?”

 

“We didn’t fly in for the party… we both live in Polis now,” answered Octavia quickly.

 

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows. “You both do?” The two brunettes nodded. “You sold your places in Paris for… Polis?” They nodded again.

 

Clarke burst out laughing, “Y’all are HILARIOUS! Like hell, you’d actually move to fucking Polis!” Clarke’s friends were stunned by her reaction until they realized Clarke thought they were joking.

 

Both Raven and Octavia began to look nervously at each other and then back to Clarke until the blonde finally stopping chuckling. “Wait - you’re not being serious…” she waved a fry between them, “Are you?”

 

“Ummmmm….” Octavia stalled.

 

“Why on earth would you move HERE?!” A few guests at nearby tables reacted and glared at their table.

 

“It’s a great place to raise kids!” Octavia blurted out causing Raven’s eyes to fly open.

 

“You’re pregnant?!” _Clarke won’t stop yelling! Why is she yelling!?_

 

“Oh. Ew. No!”

 

“Are you!?” Clarke pointed at Raven.

 

“Fuck no!”

 

“Someone better tell me what the fuck is going on right now!!”

 

Raven elbowed Octavia, “I just meant that it’s a great place TO raise kids. Like - Lincoln and I will have kids SOMEday… and you know I don’t go anywhere without Ray so she came with. And your dad is like - ugh! Jake is just the best and he was so lonely without you so we thought we’d keep him company!” Octavia lied.

 

Clarke didn’t believe them. Jake made it seven years without anyone while she was in Paris so that was obviously a lie. Something was definitely up. Thing 1 and Thing 2 were too uncomfortable to admit the truth so Clarke decided she was going to play it cool and figure it out herself. “Yeah, definitely. I mean, I’m from here and I turned out OK.”

 

“Oh, really?” Raven joked nervously.

 

“EVENTUALLY!” Clarke smiled and shoved another fry in her mouth.

 

When the girls returned back to Jake’s, they hung out outside and shared some more beers. Raven and Octavia promised to show Clarke their houses the next morning but Clarke was “tired” and “needed some rest” from her “long flight” so they all left and went home.

 

In reality, Clarke was just eager to start snooping through her father’s house for any clues as to what was going on. It didn’t take very long for Jake to fall asleep during a riveting episode of Antiques Roadshow. Clarke could marathon the shit out of some AR so she had built an immunity to its dullness.

 

She stood silently from the couch and started sifting through the junk drawer. No clues stood out so she turned to his office. She would feel bad except her father, as adorable and loving as he is, was a pretty boring guy. His desk was full of manuals and receipts for car parts and weird hobby car stuff. She puckered her lips and shifted her jaw from side to side, “If I was a clue, where would I be?”

 

She reluctantly went through his bedroom which revealed literally nothing interesting. “This man needs a dog or maybe a cat - definitely a boyfriend - that’s for sure.”

 

She gave up looking through his place. She’d have to excuse herself to the restroom at Ray’s or O’s house and try and go through their shit. She grabbed another beer from the fridge, cracked off the cap and took a swig. Her eyes glanced at a card on the fridge:

 

 _‘Alexandria Woods_  
_cordially invites you_  
_to the wedding shower of_ _  
_ **_Anya Lachman_ ** ’

 

Clarke spewed her beer EVERYWHERE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The torn page in Lexa's letter is a Lang Leav poem.
> 
> The second dream that Anya mentions regarding Clarke killing Costia - it's a little Easter Egg for those who read my previous fic. :)
> 
> Fun Fact: I listen to random film/video game scores while writing. The ebb and flow of scores easily influence the emotion and tone of the scene. When I go back to reread/edit, I listen to different scores again so that different feelings are flowing. It helps me make sure the scene has the precise emotion and feeling I want to convey.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4/5/2018

“Wha-What!? CLARKE! Honey!? Are you OK?” Jake shouted from his recliner as he struggled to get out of it.

 

“Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Sorry, Dad! I just.. spilled something. I’m sorry. Go back to sleep,” Clarke choked out.

 

She clutched the invitation in her hand and snuck it with her to her room. Then she - maybe - went a little crazy.

  
Clarke gentle placed the frilly cream cardstock in the middle of her bedroom floor as if it were made of glass. Once she was able to let go she began pacing wildly back and forth and around the thick paper.

 

_This explains why Raven and Octavia were being so weird yesterday! This has to be why!!!_

 

_How could they not tell me?! They didn’t think I could handle this!?_

 

_It’s fine! I’m totally fine!_

 

_Like - of COURSE Lexa is getting married to her best friend! Like - duh!_

 

_Lexa deserves someone who is loyal and incredible and super pretty and not a fucking bitch to her!_

 

_This is cool._

 

_Super cool._

 

_I’m so super cool about this!_

 

_The shower is this coming weekend!?_

 

_FUCK!_

 

_I’M NOT COOL ABOUT THIS!!!_

 

_I mean - no._

 

_This is awesome! This is SO awesome!_

 

_Awesome sauce for Lexa!_

 

_Super awesome!_

 

_...that means the wedding is super soon._

 

_Super soon… SUPER!_

 

_Super super super!_

 

_SUPER is such a weird word!_

 

_SUPER! HAH! HAHAHAHA! SUUUUUUUPER!_

 

Clarke didn’t realize that she had stopped pacing and was not sitting cross-legged in front of the piece of paper. She had been staring at it so intensely all the while she was casually losing her damn mind. So much so, that if someone had walked in on her they probably would have thought she was starting a seance or maybe trying to light it on fire with her mind.

 

Clarke looked completely crazed and she knew it.

 

_I’m fine. It’s OK, Clarke. This is...  just a little hiccup._

 

Clarke genuinely did want what was best for Lexa. While she was away, she grappled with all of her residual feelings for Lexa . She spent a lot of time wondering if it was just a reaction from the situation or if, all along, there was something underlying between them.

 

When she and Lexa met under the tree, before she left for Paris, she was undeniably attracted to Lexa but this felt like - **more.**

 

More than Clarke could ever imagine.

 

While Clarke was in Australia the first time, she hiked through this incredibly dense forest that a local had recommended to her. She stopped to take a picture of the thick green moss that looked like icing on all of the trees. Like the snap of someone’s fingers, she was instantly catapulted into this strange feeling of deja vu. Clarke instantly felt out of breath like she had just been out for a run but there was also fear… almost like she was being chased.

 

Clarke closed her eyes tightly and tried to slow her breathing but she immediately felt Lexa’s presence - like some sort of sixth sense. The blonde whipped around and saw some sort of blurry figure but it wasn’t Lexa, at least, not **her** Lexa.

 

The shadow was different - _she_ was different.

 

Clarke was shaken from her daze when she felt a hand tug roughly on her shoulder. She leaned backwards just as a knife whizzed past her face and embedded itself in the arm of faceless man.

 

That’s when Clarke heard **her** voice for the first time… and those words… there was something some strange about the words.

 

_Jomp em op en yu jomp ai op._

 

Clarke jumped when she heard this figure yell _RUN!_

 

And Clarke did. She didn’t stop for several miles but there was never anything behind her - just shadows. When she got back to her hostel, she was in a daze. She couldn’t tell what was real or what was in her head - it was so vivid and familiar.

 

_“What the fuck was that!?”_

 

That day in the woods was the first of many visions Clarke continuously had on her trip. Her soul searching trip became a literal search for her soul.

 

She met a Buddhist monk who called these visions _pratitya-samutpada._ He said all beings are interconnected, are infinitely reborn, and sometimes relationships will carry over into the next life.

 

A Jewish Rabbi called it _bashert_ , a bestowed or destined partner. But then he said, “But you are not Jewish…” then he shrugged at her and walked away.

 

A Hindu monk called it _lehnu:_ “It is the link with another soul that causes you to keep crossing paths, positively impacting one another.”

 

Despite her initial fears, Clarke developed a strange fondness for this ‘Ghost Lexa’, which she affectionately called her. The Hindu monk was adamant that Clarke and Ghost-Lexa were true soulmates, however, Clarke was convinced otherwise.

 

“Either I am having residual memories of dreams or games we acted out as a children or perhaps it’s just really bad indigestion!” Clarke stood up from where she had been meditating with the monk.

 

“You cannot fight destiny, Clarke!” called out the monk.   
  
Clarke kept trying to shrug it off because she knew, deep down, this was all happening for a reason but the mere concept of your entire existence being a broken record stuck on a loop terrified the living hell out of her.

  
******   


Clarke shook her head trying to push away what the monk had told her. She let out one final sigh and gave the invitation one final glance.

 

Yes, she and Lexa barely knew each other and Clarke felt closer to her now than she ever had before. BUT… if Lexa was happy then Clarke would gladly take a bullet to the gut a thousand times so Lexa could live inside that peace just a little bit longer.

 

If these dream-visions taught Clarke anything, it’s that Lexa deserved peace.

 

However, Clarke wouldn’t be Clarke if she didn’t make Octavia and Raven pay for being total brats and not telling her sooner, even though finding out about the wedding like this allowed Clarke time to process it without anyone being exposed to her neurotic behavior.

 

Clarke slowly crawled into bed like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She tried to ignore the deep melancholy that settled deep within her chest. _NO - I’ve cried enough over Lexa_ \- Unfortunately, the short peptalk did nothing to stop the handful of tears that streamed from her tired eyes.

 

****

 

The next morning Clarke took one of the cars and went to Octavia’s place. Raven was already diving into the breakfast Octavia had promised to make for the three of them. The latina was much too immersed in her pancakes to notice but Octavia immediately picked up on Clarke’s strange mood.  

 

The blonde toured O’s new house and it was absolutely gorgeous - perfectly O and Linc in every way. It had a big yard, a few extra bedrooms, and enormous kitchen. Clarke couldn’t help but smirk at how settled her friend had become,“I bet you’re gonna have so many babies! I’m so happy and proud of you.” Octavia blushed and returned Clarke’s tight hug.

 

_HA! O didn’t deny it! BABIES! SQUEE!_

 

They found their way back to the living room where Clarke sat down with a dramatic _plop._

 

“OK! I’ve had enough. What’s wrong, Clarke?” Octavia demanded.

 

Clarke looked at her with the most confused and innocent expression she could muster, “Nothing is wrong! Why do you always think something is wrong?”

 

Raven looked between the two of them - still completely oblivious.

 

“You sat on the couch weird,” Octavia said flatly, feeling totally justified in her reasoning.

 

“I sat on the couch… weirdly?” Clarke repeated with disbelief and humor.

 

“Yeah. You did. Fess up. What’s going on with you?”

 

Raven began to panic a little, " _There’s no way Clarke knew about the wedding, right? This has to be something else..."_

 

Jake even reluctantly agreed to not tell Clarke just so Raven could do it in person. He hated keeping any secrets from his daughter, especially one that may bring up old emotions, but he knew the situation was complicated because of what happened between her and Lexa and the guaranteed proximity of the two if she were to be home for the wedding. It was a delicate situation indeed.   

 

Octavia is like a bloodhound with secrets but Clarke wasn’t ready to talk to them about Lexa’s wedding. Unfortunately, she knew she’d have to tell them something believable - but what?

 

“A couple of monks think Lexa and I are soulmates! The rabbi didn’t but only because I’m not actually Jewish! HA! Can you believe that?” Clarke said it so nonchalantly, like she was repeating her grocery list.

 

_Fuck - that was NOT the secret I wanted to tell… what the SHIT, Clarke?!_

 

Octavia and Raven stared at their blonde friend. Of all things, neither friend was expecting THAT and honestly, a soulmate secret involving monks is a quite a bit weirder to bring up than confronting your friends about a secret wedding.

 

“Um - wait… What?” Raven broke the silence but stammering was the best she could manage.

 

_Fuck it._

 

Clarke began to tell them about the visions and the dreams with every detail she could recall. She talked about how vivid and familiar each one felt, some more than others; and how they always felt more like actual memories than dreams. “But that’s insane so we are definitely not soulmates!” she laughed bitterly and shoved a stack of pancakes in her mouth.

 

Silence.

 

Besides Clarke’s chewing.

 

The blonde’s nervous laugh made her sound even more like an insane person. Nonetheless, she pushed through the awkwardness and told her friends about how she felt - better - healthier even, mentally and physically.

 

“I cannot even begin to explain how much I needed this trip. I needed to find something about myself that I lost somewhere along the way. I started painting again and I also have photography!”

 

Clarke kept trying to talk to them about how she felt like her biggest problem was how prejudiced she has been and that this trip allowed her to just let go. But nope - her friends were still stuck on the whole _#soulmate4lyfe_ bomb that Clarke dropped on them.

 

Octavia kept asking all sorts of questions about Clarke’s dream-visions. She asked about little details to see if anything jumped out at Clarke and caused her to remember more or, even better, to cause her to have a _vision_ right in front of them!

 

Once Clarke realized what Octavia was trying to do, she tried to kick her friend in the shin but the brunette jerked away too quickly and stuck her tongue out.

 

Raven stayed uncharacteristically quiet but no one noticed because she fixed her face with an unyielding smile.

 

Clarke managed to get syrup on the side of her face - can’t imagine how that happened - so she excused herself to the bathroom. She thought about snooping through Octavia and Lincoln’s belongings for more info about the wedding but she ultimately decided against it - it’ll only hurt her more.

 

While she was away, Raven practically tackled Octavia, “O! LISTEN TO ME! LEXA AND CLARKE ARE SOULMATES!”

 

“Hahaha! What the fuck? That’s absurd! She probably just did a lot of drugs on her trip and it took a while to leave her system or something.”

 

“I’m being totally fucking serious right now.” Raven’s intense gaze sent a chill down O’s spine.  “Anya told me that since Lexa was a child, she’s been having these dreams of _past lives_ with Clarke. Lexa is convinced she and Clarke are connected somehow for some reason. Anya and I poked fun at first because we kind of pitied Lexa, but now Clarke is having them too!? This is so insane, O!”

 

Octavia stared at her friend for a moment but then started smiling, “No way! This is a joke! Y’all are playing a prank on me!”

 

“I’m being FUCKING serious!” Raven whisper-screamed and O rolled her eyes in disbelief.

 

“Were y’all making out before I came back?” Clarke teased because Raven’s face was practically inside of Octavia’s and O’s expression was one of pure shock.

 

The two brunette’s immediately broke apart and tried to explain at the same time:

 

“I - I was just giving her advice about…”

“She had something in her eye!”

 

Clarke dramatically rolled her eyes and then took a seat on the floor in front of the couch. “Look - I went snooping last night and I found the wedding shower invite on Jake’s fridge. You don’t need to keep lying to me.” Clarkee pulled the fancy paper out of her pocket and waved it at her friends. Both O and Raven noticed that the blonde clearly fidgeted with it for hours because the corners had been folded, unfolded, refolded, and torn into shapes.

 

Raven and Octavia both gulped  but once they collected themselves enough to explain, Clarke raised her hand to stop them. “No, no! I get it, I do. I was pissed at first because you didn’t tell me but, honestly? It gave me some time to digest it and I’m - OK. Seriously. I’m happy for her. She deserves to be happy.”

 

The two girls were silent for a moment and Octavia placed a comforting hand on Raven’s shoulder and smiled. _That wasn’t so bad!_

 

“You have no idea how happy that makes me!” said Raven with tears in her eyes. She lunged forward and hugged Clarke’s neck tightly.

 

Clarke fixed her face with a bemused smile. “I didn’t realize how much that would mean to you but - I guess I’m happy you’re happy?”

 

This whole moment struck Octavia as very strange but she couldn’t figure out why. _Surely it was just because it’s been a strange day._ O was very wrong.

 

Clarke asked that they don’t talk about the wedding party with her because she was still having some apprehension about attending but wanted to be supportive of her friend. Raven understood that being around Lexa was going to be hard for her friend but she was ultimately very pleased everyone was being so adult about it. _“That was the worst part! Smooth sailing from here,”_ thought Raven.

 

Raven was VERY mistaken…

 

****

 

The wedding party day finally arrived and Octavia agreed to get dressed at Clarke’s place. Clarke was pretty silent the entire morning so Octavia pulled her into a tight hug, “I’m proud of you, Clarke. I’m so proud of you for traveling the world in search of personal growth and I’m proud of you for supporting your friend despite how uncomfortable you may feel when you see Lexa for the first time since she left and you got all - well, you remember…” Octavia awkwardly cut herself off.

 

“Yeah! I do remember and thank you for reminding me five minutes before we leave!” Clarke said somewhat teasingly. “I hope they like my last minute gift. I didn’t have time to peruse the five-hundred page registry,” Clarke rolled her eyes.

 

“Don’t worry. I know Raven doesn’t have one of those so she’ll appreciate it!” Octavia chuckled.

 

Clarke turned away from doing her hair in the mirror and tried to speak while balancing a few bobby pins between her lips,“Ray-wen? Wuh-y dus ih mah-er ih see ha wun?”

 

“Huh?”

 

Clarke laughed as she took the last pin from her lips, “I said - why does it matter if Raven has one? It’s for Lexa and Anya’s wedding?”

 

O spun away quickly so that Clarke couldn’t see her eyes blow wide. _FUCK FUCK FUCK! Clarke thinks this is Lexa’s wedding!!!! Not Anya and Raven’s!!!! WHAT DO I DO!?_

 

She cleared her throat, “Yeaaaaaaaah - exactly. So weird. They’ll love it. Oh, look at the time! We best get going!” Octavia practically ran downstairs and Clarke had to rush to catch up to her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4-10-2018

It was a beautiful spring day and the wedding shower was being hosted in the garden just over the hedge-lined fence. Clarke always loved this garden. It was typically filled with roses but she gasped when she got to the iron gate. Octavia froze thinking that maybe Clarke figured it all out before she could get to the others for back up, “What is it, Clarke!?”

 

“The flowers - used to be roses but now they’re… camellias?” she absentmindedly added, “Why do I know what camellias look like?”

 

“Yeah, and… why is this  _ gasp _ -worthy?”

 

Clarke couldn’t stop the memory from hitting her like a freight train… Clarke was surrounded by camellias and Lexa was there. Clarke could feel her. The brunette was standing behind her with her hands outstretched and wrapped around Clarke’s pregnant belly. 

 

Octavia cleared her throat and it shook Clarke from the dream and sent chills down her spine.

 

“Did you just have one of your episodes?” Octavia asked softly.

 

“Y-yeah?” The blonde wiped at the silent tears that creeped down her cheek.

 

“What happened?” Octavia’s morbid curiosity got the better of her but felt bad for prodding when she saw that Clarke was crying.

 

“I was - I was standing in a flower shop - with her…” She admitted while her head was off in a distant place, “Those flowers. They were -  _ are?  _ \- my favorites. Camellias. This garden used to be filled with roses.” Clarke’s eyebrows tightened like she was trying to decipher the words of a whisper.

 

“Huh. I remember Anya saying something last year about how Lexa woke up one day and totally redesigned the garden.” Octavia immediately stopped talking and she remembered what Raven had said about Lexa and Clarke sharing memories.  _ Perhaps Lexa dreamt the same thing and changed all the flowers? What?! No. This is absurd! “ _ I’m gonna go find Ray!” Octavia shouted and took off ahead of Clarke again.

 

Clarke took her time approaching the party. She walked slowly through the garden in a daze. She didn’t even notice that her hand was resting gently across her belly as she relieved the daydream with Lexa’s hands on her.

 

Octavia easily found Raven and Anya talking to a few guests, “YOU! And YOU! Come with me NOW!” 

 

Anya and Raven excused themselves from their guests and followed the raving lunatic inside. “Shut that door, please!” Octavia pointed to the only open french door in the room that was open.

 

“What the hell is going on?” Anya was slightly on edge and a little embarrassed by the way her and her fiance’ were so rudely escorted away.

 

“Clarke thinks Lexa is marrying Anya! Not Ray!” Octavia yelled.

 

Raven barked out a laughter. 

 

“Wait. Oh shit, you’re being serious!”

 

“YES, RAY!” Octavia started panting and fanning herself with both of her hands. “She doesn’t know that Lexa is the Maid of Honor so she thought the Maid of Honor’s request for the Wedding Shower meant SHE was getting married to Anya!!! DUH!” 

 

Anya and Raven’s eyes fly open. “That explains why she wanted to be left out of everything! I just thought she was being a little over dramatic!” Raven started laughing to the point she almost had tears. “Oh, today is going to be SO weird!” 

 

“I don’t see why you think our friend being in distress is funny, Ray! You should have fucking told her sooner!” Octavia gave her a death glare and jabbed her finger into her shoulder.

 

“No, you’re right. I was going to but she said she didn’t want anything to do with the wedding shower! I was trying to be respectful!” Raven avoided Octavia’s eyes like a kid who had just been fairly chastised by their mother. “Plus, I was only laughing because I imagined how terrible it would be if Clarke ran into Lexa before we could set her straight…” 

 

Anya and Octavia both rolled their eyes at the latina.

 

However, in the split second moment before Anya’s eyes could completely roll to the back of her skull, she saw Clarke approaching Lexa in the garden and suddenly the world was turning in slow motion.

 

*****

 

_ Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. There she is. That’s definitely her wavy brown hair and her ass - no! Stop it! Don’t go there. It’s fine. It’s going to be fine. Just - like - tap her on the shoulder - you can do it. Get it over with… _

 

Clarke didn’t realize that she had made it all the way to Lexa and was just silently standing behind her, trying to psyche herself up to simply say a, “Hi! How ya doing! Hope you don’t hate me! Who is this bitch on your arm!? Congrats on the weds! …I love you… K byyyye!”

 

Clarke internally groaned. 

 

_ Seriously though - who is this bitch on her arm? She’s definitely not Anya.  _

 

_ Oh - cool! She’s staring right at me! _

 

Lexa slowly turned around and saw that Clarke was breathing heavily and staring at the back of her head. “Uh. Hi. Clarke? Wait, are you OK?” 

 

“Yes. Hi. I’m Clarke. But you know that already…” she reached her hand out to Lexa for her to shake it.  _ Fucking hell. How did you fuck up “Hi”!? _

 

“And I am Ontari,” the other woman extended her very well manicured hand and took Clarke’s offered one before Lexa could.    
  
_ Biiiiiiiiiiiiitch. _

 

Clarke half-smiled at the stranger but mostly didn’t pay the young child-woman any attention. 

 

_ Seriously Lexa!? She’s half your age!  _

 

Clarke wanted to be nicer, she could’ve been nicer, but right now she was hyperfocused on how beautiful Lexa’s green eyes were. They looked so much like those forests in Australia… 

 

“Uh. Sorry. Hi. You look super good. Hah. I’ve been saying that word a lot lately. Such a weird word! SUPER! Because when you saw it slow- nevermind. Congratulations on your wedding! You and Anya are gonna make a super happy couple!”

 

Lexa had been smiling but both her brow and Ontari’s cinched with infinite levels of confusion.

  
‘ _ Oh God - I would go to war for that smile…’ _ thought Clarke. 

 

“Clarke - slow down. What do you mean MY wedding? I’m not getting married…” 

 

Clarke had never sat in a bathtub filled with ice before but she imagined it would feel a lot whatever this feeling was! 

 

Her focus went all hazy and unfocused, so much so, that she could no longer look into Lexa’s green stare. Clarke averted her eyes like they were burning from looking into the hot sun. But out the corner she saw Raven, Anya, and Octavia barreling towards her at full-speed. 

 

Anya tried to slow down but her shoes were slippery against the freshly waxed flooring that was put out beneath the tent. 

 

Clarke’s world shifted into slow motion…

 

_ “What - - - the - - - actual - - - fuck?”  _

 

“NOOOOOOOO!” Raven and Octavia shouted at the same time.

 

Lexa turned and made eye contact with Anya for just a split second before Anya slid straight into Clarke, knocking her into the large pond behind her.

 

_ *SPLOOSH* _

 

Everyone froze - except Lexa who, of course, immediately jumped into the water to pull a very drenched Clarke out. 

 

“Are you OK?” Lexa asked as she cradled Clarke in her arms. 

 

Clarke was mortified - beyond mortified. Her eyes scanned the crowd of 150 plus people - Raven and Anya had the same expression of absolute shock and Octavia had both her hands covering her mouth. 

 

A very long, infinite silence passed over the guests but then Clarke busted out laughing - hysterically laughing!!

 

The guests were wary at first but soon everyone began to join in slowly. Eventually the whole party was in a fit of giggles - not a single dry eye in the garden. Lexa’s arms were still wrapped around Clarke’s body and she could feel the blonde’s muscles shuddering with discomfort. 

 

“This is going to be even funnier in four years!” Clarke whispered to only Lexa. The brunette wasn't laughing though, she could see right through Clarke and the blonde hated it. 

 

Clarke cleared her throat, hoping to dislodge Lexa from her stare, “Will you help me get out of this pond, please and thank you?” 

 

“Yeah! Of course. Of course!” Lexa helped brace Clarke as she stepped over the pebbles with her heels on. Once free of the pond and Lexa’s grasp, Clarke turned toward the crowd smiling, gave a bow to the cheering crowd, and then began briskly walking toward her home. 

 

Everyone turned back to the party but her group of friends were still frozen and mortified. 

 

Lexa slogged back to her friends and was met with, “EW! You stink!” Ontari broke the uncomfortable silence. Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose, as she does when she is overwhelmed, frustrated, annoyed - well, pretty much for everything.

 

“I-I tried to s-stop…” started Anya. Despite her dislike of Clarke, she felt terrible for causing the blonde any amount of humiliation.

 

“Yeah - me too…” came Raven but everyone just glowered at her. “What?!”

 

“Will someone please tell me what the FUCK is going on?” Lexa demanded through gritted teeth. To all the guests it looked like she was smiling but in reality she wanted heads to roll.

 

“Quick version or the long one?” Octavia asked.

 

Lexa’s eyes fluttered closed and she inhaled so sharply that a communal chill ran down everyone’s spine. 

 

“Got it. OK. So. Clarke did some soul searching and started having these like memory-things. She came home for her dad’s birthday party which was really a ruse to get her to be here for the wedding… which Raven was too chicken to tell Clarke about because she didn’t tell Clarke she was dating Anya in the first place - BUT - Clarke saw the invitation on Jake’s fridge and thought it was saying that you and Anya were getting married not Anya and Ray. For the last week we thought she was just psyching herself up to face you after - everything - but actually she was psyching herself up to let go of you because - as I said - she thought YOU were getting married even though y’all are soulmates. And then - *SPLOOSH*!” Octavia managed in nearly one breath.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” muttered Anya and put her head in her hands. She felt even worse about the accident but more so, she was pissed at her fiance’ and Octavia for creating this situation.

 

“What? You don’t get to be annoyed with us because you’re the one that got her all wet!” chided Octavia.

 

“ay-o,” Raven made the joke but said it very sadly to denote her feelings of insurmountable guilt. 

 

“Children!” Octavia barked. 

 

“ENOUGH!” Lexa yelled, “What do you mean by soulmates, Octavia?”

 

“Is that all you got from that?” questioned Raven teasingly.

 

“I’m in a nice suit, covered in pond water - don’t fuck with me Ray,” Lexa warned, causing Ray to bite her lips and avert her eyes.

 

“Clarke said she’s been having these like… dream-visions or like, memories, of the both of you in different times fighting a giant koala - or was it a bear? No! It was a gorilla!” Lexa’s eyes stared straight through Octavia. “You had like facepaint on and then something about the camellia flowers. I didn’t believe it at first but she said something about the flowers in the garden being different… it was like she’d seen a ghost.”

 

Lexa’s heart stopped for a split second before she turned around and sprinted towards Clarke’s house. 

 

******   
  
“Clarke?! CLARKE!?” Lexa didn’t hesitate to walk straight into the Griffin home, run up the stairs, and burst through Clarke’s bedroom door all romantic and such. 

 

Clarke - like any normal person - screamed at the intruder and reached for the nearest blanket to cover her freshly showered and very naked body. She reached for the knife on her nightstand and flung it towards the persons body. 

 

Lexa yelped and jumped back just enough to have the knife fly past her head and land in the door frame behind her. 

 

“Jesus, Lexa! You can’t just barge into people’s rooms when they’re naked! I could have killed you!!!” 

 

“I’m SORRY! I called out to you but you didn’t respond! And I didn’t barge anywhere because you left the door wide open!” 

 

“Look away, perv! So I can get dressed!” Clarke was still yelling more out of embarrassment than fear.

 

“I’m scared to look away! I don’t know if you have anymore weapons to throw at me!” Lexa still turned away because she was a gentlewoman.

 

While Clarke made herself decent, Lexa busied herself by fixating on the familiar looking knife wrenched in the doorframe.

 

“I got that in Vancouver - you can turn around now.” Clarke swallowed hard. 

 

Lexa slowly turned, her eyes pleading with Clarke’s, “I am SO sorry about today and about walking in on you just now.”

 

Clarke laughed somewhat bitterly as she plopped down onto her bed.

 

_ ‘God… that laugh,” _ Lexa wanted to clutch at her heart.

 

“It’s fine,” Clarke pressed her hand to her forehead, “I don’t think I’m going to go back though. I’ve had enough excitement to last me a lifetime. I’ll just stick around here, find a heavy rock, and climb beneath it. I hope you and Anya will understand my absence.”

 

Lexa smiled - causing Clarke to whine internally. The green eyes looked at the far corner of the mattress and Clarke reluctantly nodded, allowing Lexa to take a seat. 

 

Lexa broke the silence, “So - Octavia explained everything…” 

 

Clarke’s panicked eyes met Lexa’s soothing one’s, ‘ _ Oh shit, how much did Octavia tell her?!’ _

 

“She said you might’ve been under the impression that I was marrying Anya - is that true?” Lexa swallowed the sudden lump in her throat. 

 

Clarke’s heart was still hammering from embarrassment and maybe a little, too, from Lexa’s close proximity. The blonde couldn’t stop her words from sounding so pitiful and dejected,  “Uh - yeah - Dad put his invitation on the fridge. Congratulations though - seriously. I’m really very happy for you,” her blue eyes were pleading. 

 

Lexa couldn’t help the simple smile that started in the corner of her mouth. “I appreciate that but… I’m the maid of honor, Clarke.” Lexa looked up to see Clarke’s surprised expression that she was working hard, and failing, to mask. 

 

The brunette continued, “It’s customary for someone in my position to host the bridal shower but since there are two bride’s we sent invitations with Anya’s name to her guests and invitations with Raven’s name to hers… I invited Jake because he’s been like a father to me so he had the one with Anya’s name. I’m assuming that’s how you thought…” 

 

Clarke collapsed on her bed and whined, “Fuck! This day is just getting so much better!” She dug her fingers into her temples and began trying to rub away the stress.   
  
  
After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Clarke began again, “Honestly, you should go, Lexa. I’m about 5 seconds from diving into a case of wine and a gallon of ice cream after the day I’ve had.” Clarke huffed.  

 

Lexa smiled, “....I like wine… and ice cream.” Lexa wasn’t intentionally trying to invite herself to Clarke’s impending pity party but she definitely wasn’t ready to leave, not knowing the next time they’d see each other again.

 

Lexa immediately realized she had made Clarke uncomfortable. Lexa straightened her posture and became visibly stoic, “Uhm - Raven was hesitant to say anything because she didn’t want you to feel betrayed that she was dating my best friend, I guess - after what happened between…” she motioned between the two of them. “What Ray did was wrong. I only found out from Anya when I saw you return.”    
  
Clarke dropped her hand from pinching her eyes closed and looked up at Lexa from the bed. “Them treating me like I’m some fragile doll and me acting like a fiasco today, I’m sure, has done nothing but cause you a headache. I am genuinely sorry and truly embarrassed.” Clarke took a deep breath, “And I - I’m sorry for how I treated you… before.”

 

Lexa was taken back by the sudden sincerity, “Oh - um - It’s - It’s ok…”

 

Clarke sat up on the bed to rest on her elbows. Her misty ocean eyes looked directly at Lexa. “No, it wasn’t - it isn’t okay.”  _ It may never be. _

 

Lexa sat silently, unsure of what to do or say, but she still knew she didn’t want to leave Clarke’s just yet. Lexa busied herself by staring at the tanned skin on Clarke’s shoulders and the freckles that were strewn across them. “Uh -How was your trip?”

 

Clarke barked out a laugh, “You really want to make small talk right now?”

 

Lexa winced, “I guess you’re right…”

 

The longest silence known to man passed between them. 

 

“Sooooo - um - this is awkward,” Clarke finally said.

 

Lexa bursted out into an unabashed laugh. Clarke hadn’t heard her laugh like that since they were children. If she had even thought to try and stop the brilliant smile that spread across her own face, she wouldn’t be able to. 

 

Lexa uncharacteristically flopped down onto the bed and whined, “When did things get so awkward and weird between us?!” 

 

Clarke smiled and hesitantly giggled, “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe somewhere between you scaring me from that tree and being a pompous ass and then me being a proud, prejudiced, little brat…” 

 

Lexa teasingly winced, “Yeah, probably somewhere in there.” Clarke acted like she was going to teasingly swat Lexa in the shoulder.

 

After a few shared smiled and blushes, Lexa opened her mouth and ruined the comfortable silence, “Octavia mentioned something else…” Lexa finally psyched herself up to ask Clarke about these ‘daydreams’ the brunette-friend had hurriedly mentioned. 

 

Clarke chewed on her lip for a moment, “Oh - um - it’s no big deal. They’re just memories from…” Lexa audibly gulped, hoping to hear what she so desperately wanted to hear. “Um - from when we were kids. You know? When we played in Arkadia and you were the evil Commander and I was the princess and Finn was -” Clarke cut herself off. 

 

Lexa stiffened and averted her eyes from the crashing blue waves of Clarke’s, “I see.”

 

The blonde truly believed these were just memories of dreams they had as children but she could feel Lexa’s disappointment like it was a fist clenched around her throat. Clarke decided to push, “D-do you… um… does the word  _ niron _ mean anything to you?”

 

Lexa’s eyes shot to Clarke’s and she bit her tongue so hard she thought it’d bleed.

 

“I just - I keep repeating it over and over in my head and I don’t know where it came from.” It was only a half lie. In her ‘visions’, Lexa would always whisper it into Clarke’s ear but it’s meaning was always on the tip of her tongue.

 

Lexa was visibly shaken, “It - it means  _ loved one _ . I - I used to call you that when we were children.”

 

“Oh,” Clarke said defeatedly.  _ So maybe these visions ARE just memories of games we used to play and dreams I’ve been having…  _ Clarke thought back to her earlier daydream where she was pregnant and Lexa’s arms were wrapped around her.

 

Lexa wanted Clarke to remember so desperately. She remembered each of their lives before - every detail - all the while her true love was completely oblivious. It was like being imprisoned on an island, all alone, but everyone and everything you craved was just out of reach. 

 

Lexa decided to push -  _ Maybe I can get Clarke to remember…  _ “I heard it once in a dream -  _ niron _ . I knew immediately what it meant but didn’t understand why or how I knew it until much later…” Her green eyes danced to Clarke’s. 

 

The blonde was doing her best to mask her insane curiosity. 

 

_ Worst case scenario - Lexa thinks I’m insane. _ _  
_ _ Best case scenario - Lexa thinks… I’m not insane but only moderately crazy. _

 

“Why did you change the flowers in the garden?” Clarke asked as she played with the ruffles of the pillow across her lap. 

 

Lexa’s heart was nearly thumping out of her chest. “B-because they’re your favorites,” Lexa’s tongue slowly slid across her own quivering, dry lips. It was enough movement to finally drag Clarke’s eyes to the brunette’s face. Clarke’s eyes got a little bit bluer and Lexa’s became just a little bit greener. 

 

Clarke’s hands began to shake. She suddenly felt like the world was crumbling beneath her feet. It started with a small fidget but then she began to claw at the sheets, trying to push herself further away from Lexa. Clarke’s eyes turned almost completely black as her pupils blew wide. Her slow, deep breaths began to speed up until she was hyperventilating.   
  
Lexa jumped to her side, “Put your hands in the air, Clarke! HEY! Can you hear me?” Clarke managed a nod. “You’re having a panic attack - OK? You’re fine. Can I touch you?” Lexa spoke loudly and very clearly but Clarke could only nod. Lexa lifted her arms into the air for her, “Slow. Deep. Breaths.” Lexa began breathing deeply with her. “You’re OK, Clarke. Just keep it slow. That’s it. Everything is OK. You’re OK.”  

 

The panic subsided and Clarke moved to wipe her tears. She couldn’t thought because her arms were wrapped around Lexa’s neck and she had no idea for how long. “I-I’m so sorry. I don’t…” She pulled her arms away and wrapped them around her midsection. 

 

Lexa was confused by Clarke’s sudden discomfort, “It’s OK, Clarke. You’ve had an overwhelming day - well, few years probably,” the brunette tried to lighten the mood by teasing.

 

Lexa was right, Clarke was overwhelmed. “Lex - why are you being so nice to me? You have a pleasant date downstairs to get back to but you’re up here with me… You should go back. Please. You belong down there.” 

 

“I - I belong with you, Clarke.” Lexa didn’t mean for it to sound like she was pleading but… she was. 

 

Clarke whined. “GOD! What does that even mean!? Everyone keeps saying soulmates but I have no idea what this even is,” Clarke jumped up from the bed and motioned between the two of them.

 

_ Fuck. I pushed too much. She’s not ready.  _ “I’m sorry, Clarke.” Lexa stood from the bed, “It was never my intention to pressure you or to force myself-” The blonde cut her off.

 

“THERE! THAT RIGHT THERE!” Clarke pointed at Lexa’s mouth causing Lexa to jerk her head back a little in surprise. “Pressure me into what? Force me to do what!? I feel like you’re talking to someone else or about something else when you’re talking to me and it’s like I get it and I don’t. It’s right there on the tip of my - UGH!” Tears began falling from her face as she got more and more worked up. “I just - I don’t understand and I want to - I need to! Tell me the truth! Why are you - we - like this!?” 

 

Lexa swallowed thickly, trying to ignore her own tears pulling at the edges of her eyes, “Kos… Ai hod yu in, Clar _ K _ e.”  
  
  
_ Because… I love you, Clarke. _


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be the last... 
> 
> 4/24/2018

Clarke winced at the memories pressing on her mind - begging to be unlocked from their iron cage. The blonde screwed her eyes shut and clenched her hands into fists while she strained to remember. Lexa began to recite more words in a gentle whisper, like it was her final prayer, “In peace may you leave the shore…” she swallowed thickly, her eyes flickering to Clarke’s pained face. “In love may you find the next…” Clarke’s palms were sweating as she painfully pressed them to the sides of her head in silent agony. Clarke was clearly in pain but Lexa continued, “Safe passage on your travels until our final journey on the ground…” 

 

Clarke’s flew open and she released her head. With a voice that didn’t feel like her own, Clarke said, “May we meet again…” Her mouth was gaping open as her pupils shrunk to the size of pins - then all went black.

 

\------

 

“What the fuck happened!?” Anya quietly and exasperatingly asked of Lexa, who was sitting in a waiting room chair with her tie loose around her neck and her hands frantically coiled in her hair.    
  
“I don’t know!” Lexa bit back but looked around to see that no one noticed her biting response. The whole wedding party was loitering in the waiting room at this point, everyone on edge waiting to hear back from the doctor. Lexa managed to send a text from inside the ambulance ‘ _ Clarke collapsed - headed to ER _ .’ 

 

The green eyed brunette continued in a quieter tone, “She - she was - I was forcing myself on -”

 

“WHAT!?” Anya’s eyes went wide but Lexa clapped her hand around her friend’s mouth. They nodded and smiled to Octavia and Raven who both looked up at Anya’s outburst. 

 

“NO! Not like that!” Lexa hid her own mouth with her palm so her words were muffled. “Of course not like that - I’m appalled you would even think that! I meant - I was trying to force her to remember… we were sort of… yelling… well, she was… and I said something to her I thought would make her remember. Her eyes began fluttering and then she just… collapsed.” 

 

“Fuck… did you tell the doctor?” 

  
“Oh yeah, Anya. When we got here the first thing I said to them was ‘ _ Hey, so we are reincarnated lovers, destined to find each other in every life and I was trying to force Clarke to remember me but then she just had a weirdo seizure!’ _ ” Lexa rolled her eyes. 

 

“Yeah, I guess that would sound weird…”

 

Lexa scoffed, “You guess.” 

 

“Don’t be a brat, Lex. I’m just trying to understand all of… this…”

 

“I tried telling you before but you didn’t believe me!” Lexa rolled her eyes.

 

Anya twisted in her chair to face Lexa, “Seriously? You were trying to tell me that you and Clarke are reincarnated souls and that you remember, not only hundreds of lives, but also, lives from alternate universes - do you realize how insane that sounds - still!?”

 

“I get it. I do. But I’m not a liar, Anya… Clarke is special…” 

 

Anya saw the honest pain in Lexa’s eyes and thought she could hear Lexa’s heart crack just a little bit more, “I believe you, Lex, I do.” 

 

Lexa looked her friend in the eye and sighed, “Thank you… I just… I’m so worried. This is all my fault. What if she’s not - what if she can’t? I don’t think I could bear to stay if she doesn’t ever remember...” Lexa’s face fell in her hands and she began to weep softly. 

 

Jake finally reappeared and everyone jumped to their feet. He motioned for them to settle down, “It’s - she’s ok. She was able to talk to the doctor. She said she had been casually talking to Lexa,” Jake motioned to where Lexa was sitting and her heart began hammering. “She suddenly felt very tired and then she just passed out. Doctor’s say it’s most likely just from stress but they want to keep her for a few days just to be sure.” Everyone sighed with relief. 

 

_ Why would she tell them we were just casually talking? Either she doesn’t remember what we were talking about or she does and she’s lying… _ “Can I - Can I go see…” 

 

Jake smiled but cut off her nervous stammering, “Yeah, kid. She’s asking for you.”

 

Lexa slowly stood, offering a nervous sideways glance to her best friend who nodded at her with encouragement. As she made her way down each of the hospital corridors, she became increasingly concerned that each of the nurses and doctors could hear her pounding heart through her chest cavity. Finally, after a gentle knock on the door, Clarke answered softly, “Come in.”

 

Lexa looked so small and frightened, like she was prepared for a scolding. Her eyes flitted around the hospital room to everything but Clarke’s bright, piercing blue eyes. “H-how are you feeling?” 

 

The blonde smirked, “I fainted, Lex, I’m not dying.”

 

The simple joke put the brunette at ease. “I-I’m so sorry for causing you any distress. I only meant to-”

 

“You were trying to get me to remember.”

 

Lexa finally met Clarke’s gaze. The brunette’s blueish green eyes were a myriad of emotions and for the first time, Clarke felt like she could see each one of them clearly. “Do you, you know, remember…?” 

 

Clarke’s eyes fell as she hesitated, causing Lexa’s heart to slowly sink into her stomach like the last Autumn leaf drifting down. “Lex - I just need-”

 

Lexa’s eyes dropped to the floor and she began nervously ringing her fingers so tightly they turned red, “I - it is - it’s ok.”  _ It wasn’t _ . “I was wrong to put you in that position. I’m just - I’m just gonna -” Lexa began backing away from Clarke’s hospital bed but the blonde started to uncover herself to chase after the brunette. “No no no, Clarke, it’s OK - really - I - I just realized I have - something.” She was gone.

 

“No - Lexa - That’s not what - STOP! PLEASE!” Clarke screamed for her but the brunette was already down the hall. 

 

Anya happened to be looking in the right place at the right time and caught Lexa’s wild eyes but before Anya could even think, Lexa was running out of the hospital. Anya quickly whispered to Raven, “Something’s wrong. Get Octavia and go see Clarke, I’m going to go after Lexa!” Raven hardly registered the words before her fiancee’ was out of the chair and out the glass doors. 

 

Raven stood and quickly walked over to the larger group of people, “Octavia. I think it’s our turn to pay Clarke a visit - now.” Octavia noticed Raven’s urgency and followed her to the hospital room. “Clarke?”

 

“Did you - did you see Lexa run out of here!? It was only a moment ago!” Clarke was still trying to get out of bed but was struggling with each of the lines and monitors that were stuck to her. Both Raven and Octavia blocked Clarke on each side of the bed so she couldn’t get out. “No! No, you have to let me go after her!” Clarke thrashed.

 

“Honey, she’s gone. Just give her some time and tell us what happened,” said Octavia. 

 

Clarke wouldn’t calm down, “Anya is looking for her. She’ll call me when she catches up! She couldn’t have gotten far because she rode in the ambulance with you. Now settle down and tell us what happened?!” Raven’s voice was uncharacteristically stern.  

Clarke gulped, “I - I - I was trying to tell her that I remember but that I needed time to…”

 

“Wait - you remember? What do you mean you remember?” Raven asked. Anya didn’t betray Lexa’s confidence but only told Raven that Clarke and Lexa had been talking about their dreams before the blonde suddenly passed out. 

 

Octavia’s eyebrows cinched together, “WHAT is going ON!?” 

 

Clarke huffed and sat back down in the hospital bed. She was about to explain everything to her friends but a nurse busted through the door and began chastising all of them for setting off the alarms on all the machines. When the old bird finally left, Clarke’s head sank into her hands, “Lexa was trying to get me to remember…. Everything… and I became angry because there was something - prickling - at my brain. Like when you have something on the tip of your tongue or when you walk into a room and forget why you’re there - but a million times worse than that! B-b-but then Lexa said something to me and it was like a wave of memories crashed over me. Like I saw everything and nothing all at once and I tried to focus on even just one and then… nothing. I woke up here.” She finally met her two friends’ gaping stares. 

 

“So - it’s all real then?” Octavia asked in disbelief and Raven looked just as shocked.

 

“Yeah - it’s all real.” A long silence fell on all of them as they individually tried to wrap their heads around the whole idea of reincarnation and that maybe Lexa and Clarke aren’t the only ones… and that maybe they are all destined to meet and that free will doesn’t actually exist and that…

 

“This is insane,” muttered Raven absently.

 

“Why - Clarke, why did Lexa run off though?” asked Octavia after she shot Raven a look.

 

There were tears in Clarke’s eyes at the mention of Lexa running away, “I think she thought I was about to tell her I didn’t remember or something but I do! I just wanted some time to… process! It’s - It’s just so much! You have no idea!” Clarke began to weep. “We’ve loved and lost so much! You can’t even begin to imagine! I have watched her die young, old, fast, slow… Oh god, and our kids! It’s like - I’m elated but I’m also completely torn apart by all these memories. My emotions are…” the blonde choked and began struggling to breathe. Raven and Octavia went to either side of her and began trying to calm her down. 

 

“Shhh… Lexa has had much longer to adjust… And it seems like she was a lot younger when she remembered. She can’t possibly have expected you to be OK immediately and if she did, that’s on her,” noted Raven. Octavia climbed into the bed with Clarke and held her while Raven found a nurse and got Clarke some tea. 

 

It was painful to watch Clarke lay there and silently weep as she broke down upon Octavia’s shoulder. “I’ll text Anya and see if she’s caught up to Lexa and tell her she needs to come back and talk to you.”

 

“NO! No… don’t… I think…” Clarke paused, “I want to talk to her but I want to not do it… here… in a hospital. I’ll talk to her when I get out.” Hospitals are hit or miss for a lot of people. Some find comfort in them, others are overcome by painful memories, and Clarke is somewhere in the middle and it was unsettling. 

 

\--------

 

Lexa had run out the door and stopped as soon as she realized that she hadn’t driven there but rode in the ambulance with Clarke. _ FUCK! _ She gripped her head trying to stop herself from absolutely losing it.  _ She doesn't remember! She will never remember! Maybe she does remember but doesn’t want - me. _

 

Lexa heard fast footsteps approaching and saw Anya running after her. The brunette tried to take in a deep breath but struggled against the sobs gathering in her throat. Lexa turned and opened her arms and collapsed into Anya’s embrace. Anya managed to catch her best friend. In all her life she had never seen Lexa be so broken and helpless.   
  
“Shh - shhhh - it’s OK. Let me take you home,” Anya rubbed her back. 

 

She ushered Lexa into her car and drove her back to the estate. It was devastating watching her friend’s heart shatter into pieces but she couldn’t even begin to imagine how it felt. The brunette was a zombie by the time they got home. Lexa managed to make it up the stairs with her shoulders slightly slumped forward and went straight to her office. Anya tried to masking the ernest pleading in her voice, “L-Lex, can I get you anything? Some hot tea? Something to eat?”

 

The sullen woman paused on the staircase but didn’t look back at her friend - “No. Thank you for the offer, Anya.” She was ice and it sent a chill down Anya’s spine. She let Lexa recede into her office and pulled out her phone to call Raven.

 

“Hey babe. Did you find her?” Raven answered on the first ring and didn’t even wait for Anya’s response.

 

“Yeah - she didn’t drive to the hospital so I caught her in the parking lot and took her home.”

 

“How is she?”

 

“Ray - I’ve never seen her like this. She’s - she’s so broken. I don’t know what to do.”

 

“Clarke remembers…”

 

“She does!? I have to go tell her!”

 

“NO! Don’t… let Clarke do it. It - It needs to come from Clarke - they’ve got… stuff… to talk about. Anya clenched her jaw. She didn’t like the idea of her friend soaking in her misery for a second longer. “She’s going to be discharged in a few days after they run some more tests. Just keep Lexa calm.” 

 

Anya shrugged, “Fine… I’ll do my best.”

 

\---------

 

Clarke was practically buzzing when she was being discharged. She hadn’t been afraid to let all of the staff and her friends know that it wasn’t necessary for her to stay for nearly a week for testing but the only reason she had conceded was to calm her father down. Clarke hardly slept and spent the days and nights obsessively mulling over all of the memories she shared with Lexa and what they each had done and accomplished - it was incredibly overwhelming at first but she slowly learned to pick a few small details and focus on those. It helped create a sort of timeline of sorts or at least allowed her to compartmentalize. 

 

She figured Lexa wouldn’t be back to visit her or to check on her but - it hurt that she hadn’t come back or called or even texted.

 

While driving home Jake noticed from the corner of his eye that Clarke could not sit still. “Why are you so fidgety?” Jake asked with a small chuckle. 

 

Clarke stopped tapping her foot and wringing her fingers, “Sorry. It’s nothing. C-can you drop me off at Lexa’s?”

 

Jake turned before his daughter could notice the cornered smile on his face. “No problem, kid.”

 

Before the car was even fully stopped Clarke launched herself from it and ran to the door, “I’ll see you at home later, Dad!” Anya said she’d leave the door unlocked and that Lexa had volunteered to work from home so she opened it without hesitation. She padded across the large marbled floor and swept up the stairs, taking two steps at a time. When she came in front of Gustus’ office door, she stopped. She was flooded with her own memories of Gustus and her heart clenched at the many different lives he’s lived but how he has always been a source of pride in Lexa’s life. 

 

With a final deep breath she slowly lifted her hand to knock on the office door but before her shaking knuckles met the wood she heard, “You can come in, Clarke.”

 

She gulped and slowly pushed the large, wooden door open. Lexa was sitting behind her father’s executive desk, most of her body hidden behind the stacks of paperwork and the computer screen. Clarke was overwhelmed with a feeling like she was in trouble and awaiting further discipline. She finally approached the desk but Lexa had yet to look up from the screen to great her.

 

After a long pause, they both began…

 

“Lex - I wanted to-”

 

“Clarke, are you feeling any bet-”

 

Clarke smiled and Lexa couldn’t help a small smirk. “I’m feeling much better today, thank you.” The blonde began fidgeting with her fingers once again as she worked to build up the courage to address the elephant in the room.

 

“Good enough to travel?” Lexa looked up into her eyes and smiled. However, this smile wasn’t - it wasn’t - Clarke couldn’t quite put her finger on it but it just wasn’t HER smile, it wasn’t Lexa’s. 

 

Clarke responded teasingly to try and assuage Lexa’s obvious rigidity, “Why do you ask?” 

 

“We’ll get to that in a minute. There’s a few other things I want to address first,” Lexa stood and buttoned her suit jacket as she walked around the desk to stand a few feet away from Clarke. Clarke watched the brunette intensely and couldn’t help but feel like Lexa was turning this into one of her business meetings - there was a coldness that hadn’t been there for quite some time. 

 

Clarke raised her eyebrow but couldn’t mask the scowl on her face, “What would you like to address with me first, Ms. Woods?” Clarke decided if Lexa was going to continue acting like a snobbish prat right now, she was going to match her. 

 

Lexa paused at the use of her last name while pouring herself a drink, at 10:00AM, and her eyes lifted to Clarke’s - finally. Lexa knew Clarke was trying to get a rise out of her, perhaps to be playful or maybe she didn’t appreciate Lexa’s hardened exterior.    
  
“ _ Well, she’ll have to get used to it because I have to move on and protect myself,”  _ Lexa thought with slightly more sadness than anger.

 

The brunette nodded to Clarke, silently asking if she’d like a drink. The blonde responded indignantly, “No - I have a concussion…”  _ In case you forgot _ “...and I don’t make a habit out of drinking hard liquor well before noon.” They both knew Clarke was healed from any ‘concussion’ she may have, but probably didn’t, sustain from collapsing but she said it to make a point about Lexa being absent from the hospital.

 

Lexa huffed with an increasingly bitter smile at the dig but chose to ignore it. “What are you plans, Clarke? Are you going to stick around Polis for a time after the wedding on Saturday or are you going to continue seeing the world?” Before she could even consider responding Lexa continued, “I wish I had more time to travel. To get away… from this empty house… these rooms… the business.” She turned her back away from Clarke and looked out the window. “I hear Paris is beautiful this time of year.”

 

Clarke scoffed and took a step towards Lexa, “What are you doing, Lex? What are you trying to say?”

 

Lexa spoke without hesitation, “I think you should go back to your life.”

 

“What? No! Why? Why are you being like - like,” she motioned at Lexa’s entire being, “THIS!” 

 

Lexa huffed as her eyes sunk to the back of her skull, “Like what, Clarke?” Lexa knew exactly how she was being. It wasn’t her plan to be this much of a - well - a bitch. She was just so angry, incredibly angry. Lexa obviously wasn’t angry at Clarke and certainly didn’t blame her but she resented this soulmate bullshit. 

 

“God! You’re being so infuriating right now!” Lexa turned away from Clarke again. “I came to tell you that I DO remember! You left before I could explain myself! I remember! I know about the Grounders, about the flower shop, about the music...” Clarke pleaded, “But you’re being a little shit right now and I barely want to speak to you but I think it’s important you know!” Clarke was yelling but there was a relief in finally being able to confide in Lexa, like she could finally remember the word trapped on the tip of her tongue.

 

“Don’t you see?” Lexa begna.

 

_ Is - is Lexa crying? _

 

“It’s broken…” Lexa turned to look at Clarke with clear tears streaming down her face. “It’s all just so broken, Clarke… You remember but - I’m sorry you do…” Clarke could feel the fist tightening around her heart. “I want you so badly, Clarke,” Lexa’s green eyes were tormented, “but it is selfish to want you.”

 

Clarke took a step forward, wanting nothing but to soothe the brunette’s pain and to reassure her that she wants… needs… to remember their lives together. Lexa took a step back, like an animal being cornered in a cage.

 

“How could I ever allow myself to be so selfish in my desires for you all while knowing that a life with me only brings you continuous pain and misery?” The brunette bites her lip enough to taste blood, “Time and time again you lose parents… lovers… friends… our kids.” Lexa was nearly shaking, “Maybe if she - maybe if we never - this will stop and we can both find peace.” 

 

Lexa was sabotaging them.

 

Clarke couldn’t feel her legs so she grabbed the desk and sunk slowly into one of the chairs. 

 

“I want you to go back to Paris. I want you to live a full and happy life and maybe - in the next - it won’t be so,” Lexa grit her teeth, “unpleasant.” Lexa swallowed the rest of her drink and wiped her tears away. The brunette slowly walked back to her desk and removed an envelope from the drawer. She held it out to Clarke but the blonde’s eyes were stuck on the floor. Clarke was teetering somewhere between absolute heartbreak and yet… somehow… completely understanding where Lexa was coming from. 

 

Clarke knew every event in their past lives when all the memories flooded back. Sometimes it was easy and relieving but other times it was more difficult. This time was different and Clarke didn’t know why. It hurt to remember. 

 

_ Perhaps it was because we remembered at different times? _ Clarke thought. In the past, they had somehow triggered their memories together and afterwards they were able to confide in each other, to work through those happy and painful memories together. But this time - fuck this time! Lexa was alone in remembering for years and it was pure agony for her - you could see the pain written all over her face. Clarke wouldn’t wish that on anyone - especially Lexa. 

 

_ Maybe she’s right - maybe we should… stop. _

 

*ahem* Clarke finally looked up at the letter Lexa was holding out to her. “What’s this?”

 

“Tickets to Paris… for after the wedding of course. You can bring your father or a guest,” Lexa swallowed thinking of Clarke bringing Finn ( _ thank God he’ll be out of town still _ ). 

 

Clarke stared blankly at Lexa - she was giving her an out - a quick getaway. There was no doubt in Clarke’s mind that she desperately wanted to be with Lexa but maybe wanting her isn’t right for the brunette - maybe Clarke loving her isn’t fair to Lexa -  **maybe she’s too late.**   
  
Lexa’s hand begins shaking as the tears threaten to spill. Clarke reaches up to the envelope slowly, like touching it will burn her. As soon as her fingers graze the parchment, Lexa’s eyes cinch closed. The tears careened down Lexa’s tanned skin and it reminded Clarke of when she was a child in Texas and she watched the raindrops cascade across the window after she had just buried her parents. 

 

The blonde slowly stood on unsteady legs. “I guess this is -”

 

“Don’t.” Lexa snapped but not out of cruelty, it was more out of panic. “A goodbye isn’t enough so just… don’t.” 

 

The fist around Clarke’s heart tightened once again and she felt like the soul was ripped straight from her body. She rushed out the door and down the stairs. Lexa turned slowly and returned to the window and watched as Clarke wandered back to her home across the garden wall.

 

“May we never meet again…” 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for your comments and kudos. Every single one brought a smile to my face and they continue to encourage me to write!

Clarke didn’t stop running. She rushed through the front door, startling her sleeping father, and dashed up the stairs, two at a time, towards her room. She dropped to her belly to reach beneath her bed and retrieve her suitcase, which she lifted and slammed open atop her bed. Her suitcase was half full of clothes and various belongings by the time her father tapped a knuckle against her door. He pushed it open slowly when she didn’t respond, “Honey?”

 

Jake’s heart broke for his daughter when Abby walked out on them. As her car faded away in the distance, he knew his daughter would never have those cherished mother-daughter moments like other kids. He knew his daughter would never experience the comfort a child feels when they hug their mother’s neck and bury their face into her shoulder as they weep. He knew his daughter would miss out on so many things but he promised to himself and to Clarke, in that moment, that he would do whatever was necessary to give her the world and protect her from the pain of it.

 

Jake felt like a failure. Clarke’s face was tear-streaked and colored like a red plum - her suffering was written across her entire body; it was in the tremor of her hands, in her widened, tear-filled eyes, and in the slump of her shoulders. Clarke eventually turned to face her father but no words came out, just blubbering. He ran to her and immediately wrapped her in his arms, “Baby…. Oh, my baby…. I’m so sorry. What happened? Did she harm you?” 

 

Clarke barely managed, “N-no. Never. Sh-she just…” 

 

Jake slowly grazed his hand over her forehead, pulling her golden locks out of her face. It was a calming and gentle movement that always worked putting her to sleep so Jake hoped it still did the trick. It worked eventually and Clarke was finally able to catch her breath. At some point Jake moved so that they could sit beside each other on the bed. His face was wrought with concern when she was finally able to peel herself from his hug - “sh-she doesn’t want me, Dad.” The soft admission brought several long, quiet tears, not just from Clarke but from Jake as well.

 

Clarke’s father was all too familiar with the feeling of love and loss; holding his child in his arms was a painful reminder of how pride and ignorant prejudice can muddle what we think is ‘for the best’. Jake swallowed the lump in his throat just before he began pushing Clarke out of his arms, “Baby, I need to tell you something…” The deep crease in his forehead had Clarke temporarily distracted and concerned for her father. 

 

He slowly stood from the bed and began a slow pace across her bedroom, “You see - I once rejected someone I loved - after your mother left.” Clarke tried to ask her father why he didn’t date multiple times but he always brushed it off with a joke or told her he was fine or too busy for that nonsense. “I had convinced myself it was for the best because we were… we were so different. We had entirely different backgrounds, we were in different places in our lives, I hadn’t - I hadn’t fully accepted - um - who - I just…” he sighed. The tall, stoic, always smiling mechanic was choking back tears. Through gritted teeth, “I chose fear over love and I have regretted it every day of my life since. If I hadn’t,” Clarke had seen her father cry but not like this, “if I hadn’t, Gustus may still be alive.”

 

_ Oh….  _

 

_ OH!  _

 

Clarke met her father’s worried eyes, “Dad… You and… Gus?”

 

Jake’s eyes dropped to the floor in shame, “That girl loves you Clarke, she always has. She loves you more than you can even imagine. She’s just afraid. Don’t let her - don’t let her pride or your prejudice ever stand between your love for each other. Love is… love is magic, it’s timeless - you can run from it, you can… die even… but it never goes away.” 

 

This time Clarke lept towards her father and pulled him into a hug, “Oh Dad, I’m so sorry.” His grip tightened around her waist as he sobbed. The weight lifted off his shoulders by finally admitting aloud that he had been in love with Gustus was liberating but also like getting his heart broken all over again. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

 

“I couldn’t even admit it to myself and then… if I had told Gustus  _ yes _ or maybe if we had, had more time… He wouldn’t have gone on that date. I pushed him to go - he didn’t want to but I didn’t want him to wait around for me to - accept…” 

 

Clarke leaned back and held his face in her hands, “You cannot blame yourself. Gustus would never allow it and neither will I.” She reached her hand to his cheek and wiped a tear away.

 

“Don’t let Lexa repeat my mistake. You can’t. Sh-she loves you, Clarke. She’s always loved you.”

 

“You’ve said that twice now,” she gave her father a playful but still tear-filled eye roll. “I cannot control her, Dad! She doesn’t want me and it seemed pretty final. I’m not going to humiliate myself by crawling back up there and begging for her to love me.”

 

Jake was silent. Clarke’s eyes darted back and forth between his.

 

“Is there something I should know? Oh God… there is, isn’t there?” 

 

Jake grimaced, “It should come from her. It’s not my place to tell.”

 

“Jake - What. Is. It?”    

 

“Lexa told me about… the…” he motioned towards his head, “the visions.”

 

Clarke sighed.  _ Well, he’d probably find out eventually anyways. _ “When?”

 

“Not long ago…” he had this guilty look still that made Clarke increasingly wary.

 

“And?”

 

“After that night, when you were home for college, Lexa and I talked in the car. We always did - she always used to talk to me about things - I told her I found the booklet for Paris in your room and that you wanted to go to art school but that I could never…”

 

_ Oh God… you didn’t. _ “She paid for me to go…. That’s why you never took my checks…. Because she wouldn’t…” Her eyes became a piercing blue mesh of shock and fury. 

 

“I tried to give the checks to her but she refused. She always refused. I finally asked why and she told me that you and her would always take care of each other. I didn’t know what she meant until she told me about the visions. She’s just afraid, Clarke…”

 

Clarke slowly sunk to the edge of her bed while her eyes absently scanned the floor, “I… think… I need to be alone.” She grimaced. She wanted to comfort her father after what he admitted about Gus but she was so incredibly dizzy with being overwhelmed.

 

“Of course,” he sadly nodded but before he shut the door, “Just don’t… don’t run from this. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life - like me.”

 

_ Fuck, Dad! Way to leave with a punch right in the gut! _

 

Clarke sighed and collapsed backwards onto her bed.  _ Of course she paid, if it were me, I would’ve done the same - in fact, I think I did something like this in the 1920s… Fuck!  _ Clarke turned over and clutched her pillow to her chest and closed her eyes. 

 

_ Lexa is afraid of an eternity of pain and loss but… isn’t that what life is?  _

 

_ Life is in the small, brilliant, effervescent moments in between… _

 

_ But if I… coerce her…. I will never know if she truly wants me or just gives me what I want out of some sense of duty or expectation.  _

 

_ No - she needs to decide what is right for her and I’ll… I’ll adapt. I always adapt… I’ll… let her go. _

 

Clarke decided that she will stay in town for Raven’s wedding. Surely they all know things didn’t work out just based on Lexa’s frigidity but the blonde decided to do her best to mask the pain. Raven deserves the perfect wedding - she’s not had the easiest life either and if Raven has found someone who makes her blissfully happy, which she has, then Clarke wants to be by her side to share in the warmth.

 

Of course, Clarke was right about everyone knowing. There may or may not have been a secret meeting between Anya, Raven, Octavia, and Lincoln late one night to discuss the events but when Raven read Clarke’s text aloud they all sunk into this murky pool of acceptance and sadness for their two friends. 

 

_ Ray - I know you’re probably with Octavia and you can tell her too. Things aren’t going to work out between me and Lexa. One day I hope to be able to explain exactly why but… not now.  _ _   
_ _ I do want to tell you that if mine and Lexa’s business has taken away from you and Anya’s special time, it was never my intention but - intentions can only go so far - for that, I am truly sorry.  _ _   
_ __ You are so strong and beautiful, brave and intelligent - I wish you both well, I truly do. I would like to still be apart of your wedding, to share in your love for Anya, and to support you on this next chapter. If not, I completely understand. 

_ All my love, _

_ Clarke _

 

“Fuck,” Raven wiped tears from her eyes. Once clear, she noticed everyone else was crying too.

 

“I was really rooting for them… I don’t think I even realized how much until…” said Lincoln, surprisingly.

 

“Oh! You big softie!” Octavia softly slapped his shoulder and then wiped her own tears on his shirt. 

 

Anya stood up in a flash, “What are we going to do?” The small group stared at her in disbelief. It had been her all along that urged them all to sit back and let Clarke and Lexa’s relationship happen naturally but - not anymore. “We have to do something? I cannot just stand by while my friend breaks apart her own heart!”

 

“Honey, it’s our wedding week! We are going to be so busy…” She stood a little slower because of her knee, “but what’s the plan?”

 

Smirks were shared around the room before they all began brainstorming. 

 

\------

The wedding went off without a hitch - other than the hitch in both Lexa and Clarke’s breath as their eyes met across the garden. 

 

Lexa was wearing a dark blue suit, a white shirt, and a soft yellow bow tie. Her hair was up in fancy but messy-styled bun. Clarke’s soft curls of golden hair and her brilliant blue eyes were showcased in the knee-length navy bridesmaid dress. She was absolutely breathtaking. They both were. 

 

The brides considered it but ultimately decided it would have been too strange to have Lincoln walk Clarke down the aisle instead of his wife, Octavia. Also, it may or may not have been apart of their plan to force Clarke and Lexa together. Fortunately, both Clarke and Lexa made promises to not make this day about them by showing any level of discomfort or agony; they accepted their partnership with much grace but a whole lot of inner turmoil. 

 

If asked, Clarke and Lexa would say their eyes were on the beautiful brides the entire time - that would be a lie. Frequent, short-lived glances were shared between the women but neither seemed to catch the other’s fleeting gaze. They could both, however, feel each other’s stare like hot flares beneath their skin. 

 

At the last minute, it was decided to add a song meant for just the wedding party to dance to and then they would share their first dance afterwards. This was originally Anya’s idea. Everyone hated it but she insisted that there would be no way the girls wouldn’t be affected by dancing to “I’d Rather Go Blind” by Etta James. Lexa briefly mentioned once that it was the song that played at the party when she scared Clarke out of the tree all those years ago. Anya knew they would remember and… SOMETHING had to come out of it. 

 

The girls did remember but it didn’t exactly have the planned affect. Lexa immediately went rigid in Clarke’s arms when the song began and shot a piercing glare at Anya and Raven. Clarke’s heart had been hammering when it was announced they would have to dance together but she became even more discouraged when she felt Lexa shutdown. A pang of grief coursed through her heart like a poison.  

 

After everyone sat down for cake, Raven and Octavia saw that Lexa was continuing to ignore Clarke and that their plans to force them to talk wasn’t working. “We have to think of something! We don’t have many more chances to get them into the same room!” whispered Octavia. 

 

“I’ve got an idea!” Raven stormed over to the DJ but Clarke saw her out the corner of her eye causing the hair on her arms to begin prickling. The DJ announced through the speakers, “OK! One more song for the wedding party - can we have them all on the floor… again?” 

 

_ What the Christ is this bullshit? _ Clarke slowly stood and looked around for Lexa. The brunette appeared suddenly behind her with a palm to the small of Clarke’s back. Lexa led her to the dance floor and opened her arms up to the blonde once again. “Over the Rainbow” by Harry Nilsson began playing. Lexa’s eyes shifted quickly to Clarke’s face and then back to scan the crowd watching them. 

 

“Do-do you have any emotional attachment to this song?” Those were the first words Lexa had spoken to Clarke in over a week. The blonde was so surprised and pleased by the sound of Lexa’s voice that she completely forgot to respond. Lexa noticed the wide-eyed hesitation from Clarke and immediately felt guilty for her own behavior towards the blonde - perhaps she could soften a little. 

 

“Uh, no. You?” Clarke croaked out eventually. 

 

“Uh. No…”

 

Clarke’s eyebrows rose with her deep breath but then fell into a scowl which she aimed at their friends, “It seems we are being toyed with…” 

 

“So, I take it you remembered the last song?” Lexa said with a pained smirk.

 

Clarke sighed while resting her eye’s on anything but Lexa’s face, “Yes…. of course, how could I not?”

 

Raven silently stuck her tongue out at both Anya and Octavia. They didn’t believe that picking a random song would work - but it did. Also, the song was going on for an eternity because Raven may or may not have tipped the DJ to play it three times in a row - so it was kind of like cheating. 

 

“So what are your plans for-”

 

“Have you thought more ab-”

 

They both began. 

 

“When did things get so awkward between us?” Lexa tried to awkwardly joke.

 

“When you broke my heart.” Clarke could see the uncomfortable flex in Lexa’s jaw. “Sorry. That was mean.”

 

“No. No, you’re right to be angry. I’m sorry. I just think it’s for the-”

 

“The best. Yeah. I heard you.” Clarke quietly grit her teeth, willing herself not to get emotional.

 

The song played through... again.

 

“So are you planning on going back to P-”

 

“Tonight. After.” Clarke did not want to chit-chat and it was obvious by her curtness. She, maybe, wasn’t trying her best to mask her miserable anger but hiding her emotions was never a strong suit. “I’m sorry… again. My behavior is… unnecessary.”

 

Lexa finally caught Clarke’s eyes, “Stop apologizing - I understand... better than you think.” Lexa pulled Clarke into a tight embrace and they spent the rest of the song dancing so closely, almost like a silent, final hug goodbye. 

 

When the song ended (eventually), Lexa led Clarke back to her seat. Just as Lexa was opening her mouth, burning to keep Clarke close, they were intercepted by a girl, Emori, who asked Clarke to dance. Clarke eagerly accepted, needing to shed her body of the feeling of holding Lexa so closely but never being allowed to do so again. 

 

Lexa balked for a moment, not wanting to release Clarke’s hand to the other woman. She finally let go but then strode directly towards the bar. Lexa’s fist flexed involuntarily wanting to shake the feeling of Clarke off her fingertips, instead Lexa’s aching fingers grabbed a bottle of something from behind the bar counter. Raven, Anya, Octavia, and Lincoln all watched the exchange. “Shitfuck - I thought they’d keep dancing…” Raven panicked; Drunk Lexa was a barrel of fun but Drunk & Angry Lexa was definitely the worst. 

 

As if it were timed perfectly the DJ announced, “OK party animals! Let’s get this party popping!”  _ Boa Noite _ by Karol Conka began playing and everyone flooded the dancefloor. Emori and Clarke easily transitioned with the tempo change, their bodies immediately pressed together and their arms encircled each other’s hips. Clarke was lost in the beat, feeling like she was finally able to release her fury towards Lexa. Emori pressed her leg between Clarke’s thighs as they both continued rolling with the beat. Clarke was a little uncomfortable with the intimacy but it took her mind of Lexa so if she could, she’d dance with this Emori person until it was time to catch her red eye flight.

 

“Yikes, guys,” Lincoln pointed to Lexa pouring herself another shot. 

 

“Fuck. Why are they making this so hard?” whined Octavia. 

 

_ Truth Hurts _ by Lizzo started playing and Raven squealed, grabbed her new wife by the hand and dragged her to the dancefloor. The two women had clearly danced to this song in private because they had a dance routine for the entire song. If people weren’t dancing, they were watching and laughing at their dance moves. 

 

The DJ slowly transitioned to music to start playing  _ Malibu _ by Miley Cyrus, per Clarke’s request. Raven immediately turned away from Anya, Octavia ran to the dance floor, and they joined Clarke in the middle of the dance floor. Without missing a beat they began singing along (loudly) to their favorite summertime tune like they had a million times before. Watching Clarke be so happy and carefree causing Lexa’s heart to constrict in her chest, wanting desperately to be the source of her happiness but knowing she could never be that for her again. Instead, she just stood back and watched the blonde curls bounce with the music for the very last time.

 

Anya suddenly appeared onstage with a muted microphone (who gave that woman a mic?). A slow ballad began while Anya dramatically mouthed the words to  _ Death of a Bachelor _ by Panic! at the Disco like she was on some lip sync show. Raven rolled her eyes but was so filled with joy that she could never stop herself from smiling even if she had made the effort to try. Everyone cleared the dance floor for the two brides while Anya crooned and dance with Raven to the entire song. The day may have started out a little awkward but it turned into a hilarious, beautiful evening and Clarke couldn’t be happier for her best friend. 

 

“Alright, alright, alright! That was lovely, Anya! Now let’s slow it down for a bit!”  _ Mid Air _ by Paul Buchanan. Emori quickly wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist and pulled the blonde close, putting Clarke’s eyes directly on the bar. Lexa had been watching Clarke the entire time and when Clarke caught her gaze, Lexa didn’t look away. They held each other’s stare for minutes, hours - neither really knew. 

 

It was powerful, it was emotional, it was - too much. In the split second that Clarke had to look away to catch her breath, Lexa disappeared.

 

_ Fuck! _ That final glimmer of hope Clarke spent the entire week convincing herself wasn’t harmful was now gone, the last heartstring was torn. Clarke jumped away from Emori, “Excuse me,” and ran to the restroom.

 

Lexa walked through the garden silently. She’d like to tell people she didn’t know where she was going but she did. She was seeking out familiarity, she was seeking out the closest thing to comfort she would ever possess. She found herself beneath the same old oak tree from years ago. However, this time her guest wasn’t a petite blonde but rather Clarke’s father.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were-”

 

“You’re ruining both of your lives, Lex,” Jake admitted softly as he sipped the last of his glass of whiskey from the wedding bar.

 

“Jake - you don’t even kn-”

 

“I know. Believe me. I know. I’ve been exactly in your shoes, making the exact same choices so I do know. You love her, you always have and you always will. You can’t take your eyes off her, Lexa!” Jake tried to mask his anger and sadness towards Lexa, despite her being responsible for deeply hurting his daughter. “I loved your father, you know I did. I would suffer his loss a thousand times if it meant I would get to be with him for a thousand and one more. Don’t do this. Please don’t fucking do this.”

 

\-----

 

Clarke tearfully hugged her friends and made promises to see them soon. 

 

“Are you sure you need to go NOW? Why not wait a few more days?” Octavia pleaded while Raven offered a sad, questioning smile.

 

Clarke nodded, “I - I can’t - do this. It hurts too much to be here and not be with her...”

 

Anya was uncharacteristically silent until now, “She loves you. She thinks she’s choosing you by not choosing you. It’s… fucked… I’m sorry, Clarke. I’ll try to-”

 

“Don’t. Let it… die,” Clarke gulped at her own words. “But thank you, Anya. I wish you and Raven all the happiness and I hope to get to know you more in the many years to come.”

 

Anya leapt forward and hugged Clarke’s neck. Everyone’s eyes widened and darted around, not entire sure whether they were hallucinating or not. Anya finally leaned back, “Sorry. Weddings make me emotional and… it’s my wedding, I’ll cry if I want to.”

 

“That’s not how the song goes but… I love you,” Raven pressed a smiling kiss on her wife’s soft cheek for the millionth time that night. Clarke hugged them each one more time and made empty promises about visiting soon. 

 

...Lexa never said goodbye.

 

Jake silently drove Clarke to the airport. They made no mention of each other’s tear stained cheeks. He kissed her goodbye, promised to visit as soon as he could manage, and that was it. Clarke was going back to her other life - without her friends - without her father - without her Lexa. It felt incredibly empty - Paris should never feel empty. It was Paris for fucks sake! 

 

Clarke barely slept on the flight. Her brain was speeding through so many what if’s, but why’s, when will’s, and maybes… Hours later she got off the plane and climbed inside a taxi to take her home. Clarke had jitters running up and down her spine and the hairs on her harm were standing on end as they pulled onto her street. Clarke couldn’t help her thoughts…  _ What if Lexa was waiting on my-… _

 

… she wasn’t. 

 

Clarke despised and berrated herself for hoping, for thinking that maybe Lexa would be waiting. She slowly fitted her key into the lock, crossed the threshold into her apartment, threw her bag across the room and finally began to break down the way she wanted to, needed to, but couldn’t back home. 

 

It was physical pain. It felt like her skin was crawling, like something was living inside her, separating her body from itself. Clarke thought maybe she caught something on the plane but - deep down - she knew what it was. This was the pain responsible for the term ‘soul-wrenching’. 

 

\----- **The following morning**

 

Clarke hardly slept but couldn’t bare allowing herself to sulk. This wasn’t her decision but she was going to have to make a life for herself despite it. This was her new normal. No more conceptualizing what her lonely future would consist of. There was a gaping hole in her chest and she was going to fill it with work. 

 

“Welcome back, Ms. Griffin. As you can see, we did exactly as you said and split the gallery between your paintings and the photography. We’ve also finalized the purchase of the space upstairs for an expansion of the gallery… and we-”

 

“No. No expansion of the gallery. It’s going to be my studio. I had a bed and some supplies delivered over the weekend. Forgot to tell you.” Clarke was still wearing her sunglasses to mask her puffy eyes, the tic tacs were to mask the fifth of gin she drank the night before.

 

“Oh... Are you - are you planning on staying in Paris?”

 

Clarke swallowed, “Yes.”

 

“How long, ma’am?”

 

Clarke shot her floor manager a look to squelch any continued small talk. The woman was excellent at her job but incredibly nosey and, as Clarke suspected, the source for any person gossip that’s been released to magazines over the years - like her sexuality just after she painted the mural for the film festival which resulted in her work being slightly overshadowed by the revelation.  

 

“You can go for the afternoon. I’m going to stick around and make some plans for the new space. I’ll lock up after you.”

 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

 

Clarke stood in the middle of the gallery for what felt like several hours. She felt so distant from her work and hadn’t even realized it until she was alone in a room with it. She finally forced her legs to carry her around the gallery as she familiarized herself with the featured pieces. She’s been away too long, it doesn’t feel like HERS anymore. 

 

The rollercoaster that has been her life for the last two years all started with her searching for the  _ reason  _ she painted. Clarke only started painting again while on her travels but she never identified exactly what is was that inspired her to pick up a paintbrush for all of these years before. 

 

Now - as she walked through her gallery - it all made sense. Clarke sees Lexa in everything but never noticed until now. The heavy strokes, the dark, menacing shades of green, the softness featured inside all of that power - Lexa has been a part of everything in Clarke’s life and she didn’t even realize it and right now, Clarke hates her for it. 

 

*ding ding* The door creaked open.

 

“Did you forget something?” Clarke called out.

 

“Yes.” 

 

_ That voice. _

 

“I forgot to say goodbye.”

 

Clarke’s head spun around. Blue met green.

 

Clarke stopped breathing, she stopped blinking, “W-what are you… why are you here… y-you can’t be here - you said?”

 

Lexa took a steady breath and straightened her nervous posture, “That’s a loaded question… Um - there are many reasons why I am here. First, to apologize.”

 

Of all the emotions swirling around in Clarke’s belly, she went with the easiest, for fear of sounding pathetic. “Fuck you.” 

 

It sounded pathetic. 

 

Lexa wasn’t deterred, in fact, it caused her to take a few steps closer to Clarke. “Second, I’ve always wanted to go to Paris. Someone I know, someone I trust, someone I care about - deeply - told me it’s where magic happens and… I think I need a little magic right now.”  _ God, Lex - seriously? A line? You went with a LINE!?  _ Lexa silently and deservedly admonished herself.

 

Clarke bit her lip. She was so very angry just five minutes ago but it evaporated as soon as Lexa appeared in front of her but she cannot forgive her that easily...

 

Lexa took two more steps closer, they were an arms length apart. “And finally, I’m here to tell you that… I made a grave mistake… I said that maybe if we stayed apart, we would be spared lifetimes of suffering and hurt but… a life without you would be a life of suffering.”

 

Clarke stared at the brunette - she looked tired, haggard even - those are things that Lexa Woods never looks. “When did you -?”

 

Clarke has never known Lexa to be nervous but her entire body is vibrating, “I spoke to your father the night of the wedding - when I stepped outside to -”

 

“You were jealous,” Clarke sneered.

 

Lexa shamefully avoided Clarke’s eyes, “Yes. I didn’t - I couldn’t bare to see you with - um - Anyways, I spoke to your father that night. He said that he would suffer the loss of the man he loved a thousand times if it meant he would get even one more lifetime with my father. Clarke I - I can’t bare the thought of never knowing you in however many lifetimes we have left. I know it’s selfish to say after allowing my pride to separate us but I am truly, deeply filled with regret for pushing you away and hurting you.”

 

“We’ve had children and grandchildren together, we’ve lost each other, we’ve died in each other’s arms, we’ve come back from the dead for each other and you belittled that by casting me away.” A few tears careened down Lexa’s burning cheeks. “But, in all the memories I have, it’s not the WORST thing you’ve ever done.”

 

Lexa’s eyes shot up at the somewhat humored attack.

 

Clarke closed the distance between them and cupped the brunettes face in her hands, “I want to wake up every morning and tell you how beautiful you are. I want to press my lips to your forehead and tell you how proud I am of you. I want to marry you and make babies with you and if you ever try to take that away from me again - by taking you away from me again - I will NEVER forgive you, do you hear me?” Clarke sneared.

 

Lexa could only nod through her welling tears.

 

“Good.” Then Clarke surged forward and captured Lexa’s lips. It was searing, one of their best. Lexa’s fingers dug into the blonde’s shoulders, desperately trying to pull Clarke’s body deeper into her own. Lexa parted her lips, allowing Clarke’s tongue to slip over her swollen, nervous lips.

 

Clarke leaned back and began unbuttoning Lexa’s shirt, “Clarke, wh-what. H-here? Your gallery, it’s full of windows.”

 

Clarke’s eyebrow rose, “That hasn’t stopped us before.”

 

Lexa looked at her with confusion but then remembered the exact memory Clarke was referring to. A surge of heat flooded her lower abdomen as she recalled that particular evening. A sinister smile crept across Clarke’s face before she gripped Lexa’s hand, “Come on. I have somewhere we can go.”

 

There was a brand new mattress still wrapped in plastic on the floor and an easel set up in the corner of the beautiful loft apartment above the gallery. Clarke and Lexa barely managed to uncover the mattress from its wrapping before they became entangled in each other’s limbs. “Clar _ K _ e… beja… please.”

 

Clarke swiped her tongue over the brunette’s lips and pulled at the lower, plump one with her teeth. The blonde’s lips trailed from Lexa’s chin down to her ear, “Please what, Niron?” Just ask Clarke used that particular term of endearment, she pressed her hips between Lexa’s thighs and ground into her body. 

 

“F-fuck…” Lexa’s fingers crept beneath the blonde’s blouse and drug them down Clarke’s sides, sending shivers through the blonde’s entire body.

 

Clarke tugged on Lexa’s ear before whispering, “Touch me, beja. Make me yours.”

 

Lexa grunted and rolled her hips into Clarke’s, searching for any relief of the mounting pressure in her core. Lexa’s hands slipped to the front of the blonde’s body and began unbuttoning her pants. Her long fingers slipped beneath the band of Clarke’s thong and she pushed them both down around Clarke’s knees. Lexa’s left hand crept up to her face so she could slowly drag her tongue across her fingers to wet them. Then she reached down and pressed her slicked fingers to Clarke’s core.    
  
“O-Oh, shit!”

 

Having Lexa’s fingers on her nearly brought Clarke to tears. She managed to free her legs of her pants entirely and open her thighs up to Lexa. “Please, Lexa, please touch me. Make me yours once again.” Lexa’s fingers grazed over Clarke’s clit and the blonde’s hips to jolted forward. She adjusted herself to straddle Lexa’s right thigh and began grinding into the brunette’s hands while her arms reached around to cradle Lexa’s head. “OH! Fffuck. Lex. OH god!”

 

Clarke leaned back just enough to unhook her bra.  _ Holy Christ! _ Lexa’s hand immediately began palming Clarke’s breast. When Clarke leaned back down, Lexa enveloped a nipple between her lips and began gently sucking and tonguing the sensitive flesh. “OH oh! Please, more - more of you.” Clarke reached her hand down to grip Lexa’s wrist, nearly forcing the brunette’s hand further inside her. 

 

Lexa folded her fingers and pressed two inside Clarke, “FUUUUUUCK! Lex - OH!” Clarke’s eyes flew open as she intensified the roll of her hips. “I’m - I’m gonna…” 

 

Lexa released Clarke’s nipple with a wet pop! She found one of the blonde’s hands and they threaded their fingers together. Clarke’s thrusts became erratic, “I’m so close - m-more - p-please.” Lexa slipped a third finger inside Clarke and she screamed into her orgasm, “FUCKING SHIT! LEX!”

 

The flutter of Clarke’s silky walls around Lexa’s fingers was heaven. When Clarke’s breathing finally returned, Lexa pressed an ernest kiss to her lovers lips, “In all of our lifetimes, that never gets old.”

 

Clarke rolled her eyes with a smile, “You make it sound like we are vampires who live for hundreds of years and have to try out new kinks to keep it fresh.”

 

“I wouldn’t recommend using the word  _ fresh _ when talking about vampires - I might bite.”

 

“God. I swear jokes like that are going to shorten BOTH of our lifespans,” Clarke teased. 

 

They laid there in a tight, silent embrace for what felt like years… 

 

“I love you,” Lexa suddenly blurted. The shyness and the vulnerability written on the brunette’s face ensured its truth.

 

“I know.

 

“I never meant to hurt you…” 

 

“I know….. I love you too.” Clarke turned and smiled at the brunette. “I always have, I just didn't’t know why. I’m sorry it took so long for me to see it.”

 

“I will always wait for you, Clarke. Always.”

 

The two leaned forward for another kiss and it quickly became heated. Clarke’s lips began travelling down the brunette’s neck. She pressed kisses across Lexa’s tanned neck and sucked on that one secret, sensitive spot between her neck and shoulder - all these years and it’s still the same.

 

Lexa sat up and allowed Clarke to meticulously undress her. There were no nerves, no reservations. The passion was never diluted but the familiarity with each other’s bodies. If anything, it made it easier for things to progress so naturally and so freely. Lexa lifted her hips as Clarke pressed short kisses to the inside of her soft thighs. 

 

“Please, Clarke…”

 

“Please, Clarke, what?” the blonde teased.

 

“Claim me, make me yours.”

 

The thought of claiming Lexa sent shivers through Clarke’s body and a memory began prickling at her brain. “Fuck, Lex. You’re all mine. You’ve always been mine.”

 

“Yes, show me.”

 

Without hesitation, Clarke dragged her tongue through Lexa’s core, only pausing to suck on the brunette’s already hardened clit. “You’re already so wet for me, Lexa. How many times have you gotten wet for me before?”

 

Lexa gulped and hissed when Clarke’s teeth grazed her sensitive clit. “Fuck... me!”

 

Clarke slipped two fingers inside of Lexa and immediately curled them, causing Lexa’s hips to jerk in pleasure. She pressed her lips around Lexa’s clit once more. She began massaging and pressing soft kisses between Lexa’s legs, all the while pumping her fingers inside of her. “F-fuck, Clarke!” Her hips were nearly thrashing and her abdominal muscles were tightening in preparation for release. “I’m s-so c-close!”

 

Clarke pulled away only for a moment before pushing all four of her fingers inside the brunette. Lexa’s eyes flew wide, “OH! Fuck. You’re s-stretching me - f-feels s-so good. Fuck, baby! Y-yes!”

 

Lexa’s hands reached down and gripped around Clarke’s wrist, forcing her hand to go deeper. “OH! FFFFFF----” The silent, powerful orgasm overtook the brunette’s body as her muscles seized and after a long, frozen moment, she collapsed and began quivering. 

 

Clarke slowly removed her hand from between Lexa’s thighs, crawled up behind her and placed soft kisses across her shoulders. “You’re so beautiful, Lex.”

 

A faint smile crossed Lexa’s lips and she struggled, but ultimately managed, to rotate and face Clarke. “I love you, Clarke….”

 

“Marry me.”

 

Lexa’s unhesitant, vivid green eyes looked up, “Always.” 


End file.
